"what if........."

The "what if's" of life had become her fav questions and she loved teasing her loved ones with them....

'what if i tell u i want that raincoat and not this one' she'd ask pointing to her
sisters favourite colour...
and the next thing she would do is playfully punch her sister in the arm telling her she was just kidding....

'what if i want to stay with dad?' she had asked her mom when her parents had decided to go in for a divorce.....
seeing her moms tear brimmed eyes, she realised that she probably shouldent have said it...'just kidding ma...i love u and wont leave u ever' she'd said as they hugged each other tight...

'what if i tell u i have always loved you' she asked her best friend once....
he stared at her for a moment not knowing what to say...as he fumbled for words, she burst out laughing
'look at you...fooled ya, stupid! i was just kidding'

she was always the mischievous one...fooling everyone...scaring them with her sudden preposterous questions and then laughing at their shocked expressions....

'what if i go away and never come back?would u miss me??' she asked her friend once....she was playfully accused of being an attention seeker and ignored....

years passed but she never changed...always the one pulling off pranks....everyone knew she loved to see those surprised faces..the colour draining off from them and then filling back in when she laughed and told them that it was just a joke....she could almost feel their relief setting back in....as they scolded her for fooling them....
--------------------------

little did they realise that she was fooling them all...each and every time...even when she knew she was dying everyday......

everytime she tried to express what she wanted to, she would sense the tension it would bring about and she would quickly dispose it off in order to avoid the awkwardness....
that was the 'secret' behind the what if's she'd ask...
and the 'just kidding'---that was her way of accepting the futility of the situation...
-------------------------------------------

today, lying in the hospital bed receiving her 5th cycle of chemotherapy, she opened her eyes..the cancer had taken its toll on her 22 year old frail body...she looked weak..pale...it was tough to see a young girl like her fighting the last stages of a losing battle...

she looked up at her doctor and asked with tears in her already sunken eyes---"what if i tell u i want to live?"
after a moments delay she smiled and said "just kidding doc" ....

this time nobody felt like laughing....

PROMPT: 'what if'---taken from 'matineemuse'

a false promise i made today...

Is it fair to give someone hopes about something which is probably never going to happen??
As a doctor, i find myself in a horrible spot when i have to build up a false hope in my patients, especially when i know there is nothing to come of it...
and sometimes i have to lie too just to avoid the hopelessness they would experience if they actually got to know the truth....
Today i promised yet another patient sucha false hope....
"rose dcosta" (name changed), a 33 year old female suffering from schizoaffective disorder was discharged today from the hospital with the hope that if she takes her medication regularly and on time, we would see to it that she gets a government job in 4-5 months...
she was overjoyed on hearing this and thanked me profusely because she had always wanted a government job and she would finally be working...
i felt a lump in my throat when she thanked god for bringing me in her life to show her the way towards fulfilling her dream....

what did i do here??? i used someones dream to tempt her into compliance...for whose good...her own!
outcome: the patient in most possibility will come for regular followups to me without missing a single dose...
why? because ive promised her a dream of 12 long years and she has placed her trust in me....
but what after 4-5 months???
what when she will realise that i lied to her just because i wanted to motivate her and improve her negative attitude about the 'antipsychotics' she is receiving...
wouldent she be let down?
what if during these 4 months, i am not able to counsel her enough and slowly but surely break the news to her that her dream might never come true??

and all i thought about while promising her was about these 4 months...
the "take one day at a time" philosophy took over me...as i overlooked the fact that what i was dealing with was someones long term plan....
it was a sensitive issue...but all i wanted was time...time during which the patient will maintain premorbid levels and not relapse due to poor compliance...

am i wrong in doing that?...professionally, no..because all i thought about was the patients health...
but ethically, i did make a false promise right?...a promise that i know i wont be able to keep...
knowing about her mental illness, she has been refused several jobs in the past as she wouldent be able to maintain cordial relations with her collegues due to the 'delusions' and other perceptional disturbances she suffers from....her psychotic nature would also affect her work...
and outta frustration she has given up on the treatment and skips her medication...only worsening the situation further...

i got to know from her husband that she had always wanted to have a clerical job in a government institution...and thats when i planned on using her dream to her benefit...
i spoke to her husband about this "motivation (read 'false hope') plan" and another thing im afraid of is that he might just disclose it to her in a fit of anger (since her relations with her husband are also strained due to the delusions she suffers from)....
and then?? then what??
the motivation plan which is supposed to keep her compliant for the next 4 moths will come crashing down.....
the trust she has shown in me will crumble....

all these thoughts tortured my grey matter as i handed the discharge card to rose dcosta...
keeping my fingers crossed and hoping this would improve her condition atleast for whatever time possible....and that one fine day, she would be fit enough to fulfil the dream which was (mis)used with the sole intention of helping her attain it someday...

the 'mosaic' tag...

I picked this one from solitaire...
i was off tags for a while but now im backkk...so feel free to tag me...pri is at it again :D

Here are the rules of this tag.

1. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
2. Using only the first page of results, and pick one image.
3. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into Big Huge Lab’s Mosaic Maker to create a mosaic of the picture answers.

The questions:

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food? right now?

3. What high school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. What is your favorite drink?

7. What is your dream vacation?

8. What is your favorite dessert?

9. What do you want to be when you grow up?

10. What do you love most in life?

11. What is one word that describes you?

12. What is your user name?

and here's my mosaic answer:


im sure the answers are pretty easy to figure and need no explanation....
ohh and i tag whoever wants to take it up :)

STORYTIME--2

After the huge success of 'story time' i decided that we should have more of these sessions wherein all of us get together and churn up wonderful stories :D
so from now onwards, we will have 'story time' once every month...

for those who arnt aware of what im speaking about, here is the link to our very first creation---- "sometimes too many cooks make an amazing broth"

so heres hoping we will have as much fun as we had the last time around...........

the rules once again----
--->i will start with a line...a random sentence and u guys have to spin a yarn around it...got the picture??
yes its story telling time people :D

--->each of u will have to contribute one line after another...and continue the flow of the story...

--->u can comment however as many number of times as u want but make sure that there shouldent be two 'consecutive' lines contributed by the same person...and also try and restrict each comment to just ONE line of the story to preserve the unpredictability...

--->anyone and everyone (this includes first-timers to 'nostalgic moments' and non-bloggers too) is allowed and requested to contribute...just make sure u go with the flow...

--->the characters can be given names as long as they dont keep changing :p..so make sure u read the comments before u before contributing ur own...new characters can be added...

--->u can make sure of any form of writing--direct, indirect or both...

--->u can write anything u want but please keep in mind not to write anything offensive as it is against the ethics of my blog...also make sure u dont include anything that wud hurt the sentiments of fellow bloggers :)

--->make sure u just put nothing but 'ur line' in the comment section...

--->please try to wrap the story up by wednesday 7pm IST...if not urs truly will be compelled to put up a crappy ending of her imagination(u know how pathetic my stories are and often they dont even have happy endings..so dont say i dint warn u! heehee)

On 23rd july wednesday at exactly 7pm IST, i will collect all the contributions, as they are and in the same particular order from the comment section and post them...and voila!! lo and behold! there will be, OUR VERY OWN PROUD STORY!!...heehee

so gear up and get ready to create the wackiest, funniest, strangest story of all times :D
it could turn out to have tragedy, drama, romance, humour...but the best part is its going to be UNPREDICTABLE!

so here is the line with the destiny to make millions or if not anything, atleast help get that grin on our faces which is worth millions eh? :)

jhanvi smiled at the reflection in the mirror---'perfect' she thought...

cmon now get ur creative juices flowing and carry it further...

cheers till wednesday! :)

words...and words are all they have............

these are some of the things said to me in the week gone by...
somewhere they did leave behind a mark...an impression...from which i hope to improve myself...
i dont know if i will be able to...but that shouldent stop me from trying i guess...

--------------------------------------------
"pri, u know where the problem lies...yes u do...but somewhere everytime it comes before you, u prefer to close your eyes and let it pass u by...and that way, u never really face it even though u feel u do"
---the evil di on a 'not so happy' evening
---------------------------------------------------------

"im seriously beginning to feel im suffering from 'bipolar disorder" too
---urs truly to a friend after speaking to a patient with the same :-/
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"ur being so difficult priyanka...what do u really want? do u even know??
u keep saying that ur life is very stubborn...but u know what??
i think YOU are..."
---a bugged friend on a major decision
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"it wont be the same without you......but both of us know that itll all be just the same with or without me"
---a very good friend on leaving back for seattle...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"priyanka, in life, u need to ask questions.....but if u dont get any answers, u should leave those questions alone....stop searching for answers which dont even exist"
---the 'know all' di who somehow always manages to make me feel that my gut instincts are mere coincidences...
--------------------------------------------------------------------

"purple would look just perfecttt"
---a smartass friend on suggesting that i should streak my hair :-/
(with friends like these, who needs enemies?? sigh!)
------------------------------------------------------------------

"im fed up of you....i wish u were never born...atleast we would be free of the tension u give us..."
---my mom after a huge arguement which has almost become part of routine nowadays(how i wish i was never born too)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

"thats the secret to life---replace one worry with another"
---a status message by 'illusion' which made me smile :)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

somewhere somehow everything said to us leaves an imprint on our heart...our mind...our conscience...
some fade with time...some never manage to...as they surface up every now and then when the winds of time blow off the dust covering them....

they say 'actions speak louder than words' ---true!!
but when it comes to hurting someone, sometimes words are just enough........

take care!

just hang in there....

when the world closes in on you,
when the future appears too bleak,
when failure is all you encounter,
when solutions u try to seek,
just hang in there and dont lose hope!!

when noone listens to what u say,
when u doubt the road u wanna take,
when low and defeated is all u feel,
everytime u have a decision to make,
just hang in there and dont lose hope!!

when all you get is a rude surprise,
everytime destiny knocks at your door,
when a little too less is what you get,
whenever u wish for a little too more,
just hang in there and dont lose hope!!

for there is always happiness awaiting,
on the other side of pain...
and if you want to reach the rainbow,
u must also take the rain...
its a tough ordeal to face,
if u want to emerge out strong...
cos if everything right comes your way,
ul never know whats wrong...

so slay every failure with the hope,
that victory awaits u near...
and soon ul'l know that u have won,
cos uve overcome your biggest fear...
so hang in there and dont lose heart,
and strive to win the fight,
cos when u learn to face too much wrong,
life soon begins to turn just right!!

parting lines and what they actually mean...

Here is a collection of cliched parting lines used by people when they are juss plain bored of you and want to break up...
My advice---DONT fall for these and weep ur heart out...just realise that the person DOSENT want you in his/her life--this is reality and the sooner u face it, the better it is for you...
please note---there might be exceptions...so all said and done, you and only you would know best :)
just that its only human to believe what we want to believe...
but somewhere deep within,behind all the pretence and self-consolation, we all know what the truth actually is...

here are some typical lines...please feel free to add to the list...afterall there are a million hearts out here which could do with some enlightenment....

--->"no its not about you...its about me."
which actually means u dumbass! it is all about u...the only thing about me is that i think i deserve better than you

--->"i like you too much and thts why im doin this"
which actually means i think ur a gullible idiot and i want you to stay that way--forever thinking that perhaps i like u

--->"I did tht because i wanted you to hate me.but its ok, i dont deserve to be understood.."
which actually means i dont give a damn whether u understand me or not because if i did, it would never be okay...

--->"I have nothin to say."
which actually means i actually have nothing to say..but i know ul'l keep thinking otherwise and thats exactly why im telling you

--->"Somethings are better left like this.dont ask any questions please."
which actually means because if u do, i wouldent know how to answer them

---> "you are very sweet...i dont deserve you."
which actually means i deserve someone much better...

--->"I understand ...im really sorry i caused u soo much pain.i deserve to go away.."
which actually means im really fed up of you and wish to go away

---> "u dont need this...ive caused enough damage already."
which actually means i dont need this...uve caused enough damage already

--->"ive got a lotta problems...and u seriously dont need to face thm all with me."
which actually means we are mutually exclusive people and i dont think we should interfere in each others life

*makes a sad face* "cant we like, keep in touch or something?"
which actually means i know ur going to say 'no' to this, but its just a formality--u know 'breaking up manners'!

--->"I care a lot about u...but its ok, i wont explain."
which actually means yeah its all okay...because i dont care enough to explain...

--->"u know i was never good with words."
which actually means im saving my lines for someone better than you...

--->"Some yrs down the line,ul'l laugh at this and itll all seem juvenile then."
which actually means im actually laughing at you right now...

--->"I know no matter wht, il'l never be able to make up for it.u deserve a lot better."
which actually means I actually deserve a lot better but im going to place the blame on you..and dont u get it,u brainless cupidstricken wacko, that when i say i wouldent be able to make up for it, it just means that i dont care to even try

--->"u dont know wht im goin through...u dont know how much it is hurting me."
which actually means i dont need u in my life because i think ul just be an additional responsibility which im not ready for...

a 'normal' life...

this post is inspired provoked by a tiny comment posted by an anonymous someone on the previous post which said that he/she deserves to have---a 'normal' life...
ive heard many people say that before...infact ive said it many a times myself---"i need a normal life"..."i want a normal life"...
but ever wondered what exactly is a normal life??
or on second thoughts, can life ever be as normal as we want it to be?
does the concept of a 'normal' life even exist??and if so what are the criteria?
dont they keep changing?
what is normal to u might not be to someone else...
so what exactly is this 'normal' life?
well after a lotta reflection, ive finally come to the conclusion that its not life that needs to change or turn normal...but our thoughts which need to be pushed to have a normal outlook...
yeah i agree, life is stubborn...it is stupid...it is mean...
but arnt we in a way, pretty much the same...constantly cursing life when the truth is that things can improve if only we bring about a change in our perspective?

ok please do not think im preaching...this post goes out here as a reminder to myself too...especially on those blue days when i go high on the 'anti-life' philosophy...
enlightenment strikes me only on certain lucky days...and so i have to record and save it for future use while im there...sigh!

here is my small list of do and donts to try and make our life seem 'normal' ...
1)every morning when u wake up, think of the day ahead...make a mental note of what u plan to do throughout the day...
take each day at a time...if ur having a problem even with that, start with one hour at a time :)

2)if u really want to do something but are worried about what people would think of you if u dont succeed at it or are afraid that they may laugh/talk behind ur back, then relax and save the energy...
people may gossip about it but not for long...they'd soon find more juicier things to gossip about...and nobody will really bother about ur failure...
but if u dont give it a try, u would regret not doing it for the rest of your life...
u wont worry about what people think about u if u got to know how less often they do that...
so just go right ahead and do what u want to...its YOUR life and u dont want to regret 'not trying'...


3)DO NOT worry about the future...
nobody knows whats coming and thinking and worrying over something we have no clue about is futile...
here, i dont mean that u shouldent plan about your 'tomorrow'...u have every right to...but dont think about it soo much that u tend to neglect ur present...

4)remember u are not alone...
there are millions of people out there who probably have a more messed up life than u could ever have...just that u dont know them...
remember that everyone is fighting a struggle of their own...we are cohorts of the same messed up frequency in this race of life...but everyone is running...because giving up is the losers way out...

5)try ur best never to regret anything...
we all are human and mistakes happen i agree...
u need to recognise them as one and move on...learn from them so that u dont repeat them again...
but dont spend ur entire life in guilt...i know this is difficult...but if u dont learn to forgive urself for the mistakes uve made, u will never be able to move on...
i agree the thought sometimes haunts you...
someone hurt because of something uve done...
someone hurting because of you...
but just remember its a cruel world and cruel things happen...it was a stroke of bad luck that u were a part of one such thing...
but if u cant do anything to correct it or improve it, there is no use crying over it...one person crying is bad enough!
if a 'sorry' would help, dont hesitate...apologise and get over with it...that way both parties will be at peace...
if u really regret something, its never too late...go on and do something about it!
and if u think nothing can be done, then stop fooling urself...it just means u dont regret it! :)

6)if ur angry with someone, dont let it get the better of you...
letting off the steam is much better than hurting from within...but most often we stay silent and keep it all bottled within us for hours together...
permit urself to be overcome by any emotion especially anger or hatred, for not more than 5 minutes...then move on!

7)this one is rather difficult...because as humans, expectations are a normal thing...but try expecting a initial neutral reaction from everyone u meet no matter how amicable u are...
if you begin to expect everyone to be indifferent towards you, u will see the world isnt as bad as u expected ;)
the problem is with expectations and when ppl dont live up to them...
so learn to lower ur standards and ul notice life strives to raise them up for you...
try it out...seriously!!

8)
SMILE a lot...sometimes even when u dont feel like...just try stretching the corners of your mouth...it isnt that difficult! :)
we might not always win...but we can atleast try to complete the race...eh?? :)

9)
there is a saying--dont go soo far with someone that u cant come back alone...
always make sure u remember ur way back...life is full of surprises...and it has this weird way of springing them at the least expected of times...
love dosent come with a life-time guarantee...and just like life, people change too...so always be prepared!
"dont make anyone your everything...because when they leave, u are left behind with nothing!!"

10)never ever compromise on your self-respect...
the one and only way to earn respect from others is when u learn to respect yourself...

11)remember u are capable of doing anything u want to do...u just have to want it enough...u are the best uve ever known!! :)
pay a deaf ear to people who try to lower ur self confidence...they just dont know u enough!

12)at the end of the day, if u feel u dint get about working as per ur morning plan, dont worry...tomorrow is a new day!
start afresh...learn from the spider who inspite of slipping everytime never gives up on weaving his web...
but do not postpone for tomorrow what can be done today...just like any exam, the more backlogs u have the more difficult it is to clear them...so avoid procrastination---its a evil habit which can ruin u!

there are just some points ive mentioned to help us view life in a better (if not more normal) way...there are many more which life teaches us along the way...but then again,as i said before,normal is pretty subective...
we might be doing all these things and yet life may not seem 'normal' sometimes...
if so, then all il'l say is "just hang in there...things are just about to change!" :)

what do u deserve??

(complete this in not more than 10 words)

"i deserve........."

waiting eagerly for your answers :)
cheers!