we are like that only!!

ok so its official now----im a self diagnosed not-responding-to-therapy kinda manic-depressive!! *takes a bow*

i always had a doubt about this but now after the last post and todays current mood, im soo totally sure!!

ohh yes and i also have the BESTEST friends in the world :D :D :D :D

ok after that bit of polishing the apple, here comes a side-note apology:

im sorrrryyyyy :( :(

----'pratik' for not having answered your calls, replied to your texts nor responded to your offliners :(
u know me dont u? and if u dint, now u do!...but i promise to make up for that with hours of lecturing and a bery special post coming up soon (*evil laugh* u know what im talking about) :p

----'aartu' for having yelled at you when u tried to take off my rose coloured glasses.
but then when ur wearing them for so long, it kinda hurts to see someone removing them off only to crush them below their feet.
but i know i will be forgiven and your lecture will be forgotten...heehee
afterall thats what best friends are for arnt they?

----'rahul' for giving you the cold treatment because u sided with aartu..ok ok u guys have a point!

----'niks' 'bubbles' and 'giggly' for cancelling out last minute on the 'sonu nigam' concert we were planning to go since soo many days and that too with a stupid 'i just dont feel like it' excuse (sorry guys..could'nt come up with a better one and knowing u can see straight through my lies, why even try??!)..neways hope u guys had fun..ok who am i kidding?? hope u guys missed me like hell!! :p

----'ankur' for not being able to meet up with you (but the loss is mine u know..after meeting up with me, im sure u'd be so impressed that u would write a superlong post about me on your blog..see how much of free publicity im sacrificing.sigh!)
ok ok jokes apart, im really sorry..but koi nahi..zindagi bahot lambi hain yaar..ek na ek din zaroor milenge maybe for a bloggers meet..who knows? :)
hope u have a nice time in goa and once again sorry for not being able to update u much on the place due to sheer lack of enthusiasm that day.
anyways hope the change in weather does'nt give u a skin rash *makes a straight face*

----'vands' who has managed to make me smile by replying to all my posts she had missed on--all in just a coupla nights..
its such small things which flatter me..seriously!
im sorry vands, for not having had the time to speak to you as much as i'd like to...
and im also sorry for having absentmindedly logged out after coming back from the 'brb' break on a coupla ocassions. i havent replied to your comments as yet too (blame it on the 'rough patch') :(
but i promise to catch up with u a lot more in the manic days to come :D

phew! and last but not the least--
whoever ive unintentionally hurt with the last post and not even realised it..

im happy to have all these above gems in my life..and il'l always treasure them :)

ohh and needless to mention thanks to all those who commented and emailed me and tried to lift up my dead spirits thus letting me know who i can count on :)
though there are those days when i decide that im never going to see the face of blogger.com again atleast in this life, i also know its impossible to do that with u guys still around here.and in my own special silent way im soo very thankful for that.

all i have to say is that im this crazy idiotic sometimes insensitive sometimes overtly sensitive girl who has her mood swings to handle and utopian expectations to deal with...who will keep having these manic-depressive episodes for as long as she lives..........................
who will throw tantrums at you sometimes with no fault of yours...
who will be soo patient with u at other times that u'l wonder if she's the same crazy nut she was yesterday...
who will try to convince herself every single minute that expectations are ugly and life should be lived logically...and yet who knows that her life for one, is the most illogical one she's ever come across...
there is this constant fight between her dreams and rationality...
between her expectations and practicality...
between her emotions and logic...

but one thing we can be sure about is that whether we win or lose, we will fight and never give up...
because...err..we are like that only!! :-/

just one of those days...

when everything seems to be going all wrong and yet you cannot place a finger on it.

when you are suddenly all irritated and angry with almost each and every decision you have made so far.

when you are confused about whats happening and even more perplexed because you know for a fact, that you have been the one to have chosen it.

when u feel that nobody around cares--that people who seem to, are probably just faking it..or worse perhaps uve just been imagining what u wanted to believe.

when you want to pick up the phone and call just one goddamn person on earth who is genuinely concerned about you only to realise you cannot come up with a single name without having to think twice about it.

when a stupid measly line in an emailed forward saying--"dont let anyone be a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs"--stings you like hell.

when you find tears streaming down your face all of a sudden and you have absolutely no frigging idea why.

when you realise that life had probably come to a stand still ages ago and you were yet trying to push hoping it would move.

when something is bothering you yet u can neither speak about it nor live to let it lie.

when you finally get about understanding that some people you considered wellwishers were always serpents in disguise--just that you perhaps refused to acknowledge it earlier.

when you have no idea where your life is heading and drifting along without any direction was somethng you had promised yourself never to let happen.

when u get a strange feeling which tells you that the inevitable 'beginning of the end' is just around the corner.

when you know you cant change certain things in your life and yet are also aware that you are unable to accept them.

and last but not the least, when u are sure that blogging about this will get you a whole lotta 'ive-been-through-the-same-shit' comments and yet you cant help smile because u know nobody would ever really understand what exactly you are trying to say.

because, in life...
there are some people, we fail to understand.

some, we dont have the time and patience to.

and then there are a third kind---whom we refuse to try understand..because we are afraid...afraid of what would happen if we actually succeeded.
neverthless, live and let live!

a yakety-yak monday!!

I was random blog hopping and came across this tag on “colours and light” and since i was in one of those yakety-yak moods, i decided to take this up..
so here goes *drum rolls in the background*
1. Were you named after anyone?
well not really.
the story goes like this---the night i was born, an evil goblin turned up from nowhere and asked my halfsleepy dad to name me 'priyanka' [for reasons only known to her]
she said she would take me away the same night if they dint name me that...now my parents had no problems perse but u know how it is--i was a new parcel and everybody is amused by the novelty of what the stalk dropped in...so my dad promised the goblin that he would name me priyanka...in return the goblin agreed to give them sometime with me and come back on my 21st birthday instead..
she vanished before my parents could say something...
my dad says she must have beem a busy goblin...
the evil di still thinks it was a bad idea asking for more time...she believes the goblin was just throwing attitude and wouldnot have taken a trouble maker like me anyways...hmpf!

in due course of time, the enthusiasm of the new parcel faded..as i grew up, i became more and more boring day by day...my parents and di started waiting eagerly for me to turn 21...in between they kept telling me about this whole episode everytime i got into trouble..i think they saw a silver lining in the evil goblin..yea yea..obviously i was the dark cloud!
i finally turned 21 but the evil goblin that she was, turned out to be a big dissapointment--she never returned.
its been four years now..but my family still has'nt lost hope..

dad keeps insisting that she must have lost the way and blames himself for not having taken her address down..sigh!
mom though is not too hopeful because she believes that the evil goblin might have been watching as i grew up and has backed outta the deal...heehee
di still sticks to the theory she believed in--that the goblin was never really interested in me.

me?? oh well...im not complaining *angelic smile*
atleast i got a lovely name in the process.
imagine if she had a bad choice and had insisted on somthing weird instead.phew!

SIDENOTE: the version told by my folks is slightly different..but this one is more fun to believe in ;)

2. When was the last time you cried?
no comments! if i answer that, u will surely ask me why i cried..and then a whole chain of questions will follow...and then this tag will be mistaken for 3rd degree interrogation ;)

3. Do you like your handwriting?
i had no issues with it until one over friendly senior at med school commented that my notes appeared like some 5th std kiddo was writing them for me..hmpf!!
since that day, im extremely sensitive to criticism about my handwriting :(

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
meat?? weird question...but i guess that would be chicken

5. Do you have kids?
nope

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
offcourse...no doubt about it!

7. Do you use sarcasm?
me?? *innocent look*

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
yus yus..safe and intact..touchwood!

9. Would you bungee jump?
ummm...maybe with 'superman' or someone who i can trust myself equally with *dreamy look*

10. What is your favorite cereal
tough call between cornflakes and oatmeal

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
NEVER! (and i realised this only now--after u mentioned it)

12. If you were to pick your own first name, what would it be?
priyanka is just perfect for me..im too much in love with my name to change it.
and then i would never have sucha interesting story to tell if i changed it *grin* (referring to point 1.)

13. What is your favorite ice cream?
u name it i like it :p

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
physical--their smile
non physical--their attitude

15. Red or pink?
depends on my mood...usually a subtle 'blush pink' :)

16. What is your least favorite thing about yourself
my impulsive nature and the fact that sometimes i assume a little too quickly :(

17. Whom do you miss the most?
a few close friends, distance and miles has managed to seperate me from :(

18. Do you want everyone to complete this list?
yeah sure..if they want to, why not?

19. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
im at home (and needless to say in a lazy mood)..so in old denims and home slippers at the moment...

21. What are you listening to right now?
zameen se humein aasaman per...uthakar gira to na doge (another of my favs)

22. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
pink

23. Favorite smells?
(all these in no particular order)
smell of coffee brewing...
smell of the moist earth when it rains...
the aroma of mom-made food (nothing can ever beat that!)
the scent of chanelno5, issey miyake, poeme (my fav perfumes)...
the fragrence of bodyshop's strawberry body butter on me (have tried soo many others but this one still remains a personal fav)...

24. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
aarti--who is still on a 'gyaan' trip..sigh!

25. How do you know the person who sent this to you
nobody sent it to me..i chose this natural disaster outta boredom :p

26. Favorite sports to watch?
*yawn*
ok ok..cricket (maybe)!!

27. Hair color?
i like it natural--dark brown (the answer might change when i start greying though..sniff!)

28. Eye color?
black

29. Do you wear contacts?
nope

30. Favorite foods?
dont get me started on this...il'l never stop!

31. Scary movies or happy endings?
who does'nt like a happy ending?
besides they dont make good scary movies neways...bollywood horror is for laughs and hollywood horror for me is watching on mute volume (for obvious reasons)..so it doesnt make much sense..heehee

32. Last movie you watched?
'billu barber'

33. What color shirt are you wearing?
its a maroon top

34. Summer or winter
winter

35. Hugs or kisses
depends on whom they are coming from ;)

37. Describe your pencil cup
i dont have one..i like my pencils strewn about on my desk where i can never find one with an intact pencil point..sigh! (not that i use much of pencil neways)

38. Favorite artist(s)?
artist as in??

39. What book are you reading now?
"the white tiger" by Adiga

40. What is on your mouse pad?
i use a touchpad

41. What did you watch on tv last night?
dont watch much of tv...i think i saw some stupid soap called 'yeh rishta kya kehlata hain' or something which got me wondering how someone can be so orthodox as to reject an alliance only because the girl wants to choose singing as a career option...ultimate joke result--is even more sillier---the mother of the girl is almost on the verge of depression and gets bed ridden with high fever and severe migraine et al (height of drama)
i mean cmonnn..who would want to get married in sucha family neways...for all u know, with all those rules she might be told to keep shut and talk (to herself) only in the bathroom next (dont look at me like that..anything is possible in these soaps----if someone can stay all day wearing heavy jewellery, garish makeup and designer saaris and do all the kitchen and house work apart from seeming genuinely happy about it all the bloody time..and ofcourse managing the pallu on her head 24/7 and looking just as old as her 21 year old daughter,just playing it a little wiser maybe because of all the heavy dialogues shes been told to rattle off---then why not?? phew!)
it made me feel ekta kapoor was more sensible in her soaps in comparisn to this BS

42. Favorite sound(s).
the sound of raindrops against the window pane...
the sounds of birds chirping early morning...
brian silas intrumental music...

43. Rolling stones or Beatles?
'beatles'...i loved them as a kid..still do! :)

44. What is the farthest you have been from home?
wherever i go, im always at home ;)

45. Do you have a special talent?
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...gimme some time to think..im sure i can come up with something :( *gets all senti*

46. Where were u born?
duh! at the hospital :-/

47. Favorite piece of jewelry?
well that varies depending on the ocassion..if you are a girl, u'd know that this is one of the toughest questions we can be ever made to answer :-/

48. How did you meet your spouse/significant other?
i think i'll have to save this question for later.

49. Favorite song?
ahh too many to mention...all u gotta do is listen carefully while ur at my space and then again, i keep posting in musical entries once in a while..so follow closely ;)

50. Favorite musical?
has gotta be 'Mamma Mia'


HELLOO!! IM THROUGH...HELLLOOOO!! WAKE UP! WAKEEEE UPPPPP!!!! :-/

an old favorite....

(allow the video to buffer completely before playing it)



have a nice weekend!

will u cry when i die?

my best friend aarti said a very sensible thing today which made me think for a long time (afterall its not everyday that she gives out such thought provoking statements :p)
she said that there are some people who come in our lives and are meant to stay only for a brief period...ofcourse the fact remains that they dont go away..they dont dissapear...they are very much in your life..but the friendship u shared once upon a time just withers away..fades off...gets neglected!

on the mention of a particular someone who for some strange reason is now limited only to my orkut profile and otherwise would probably not even be knowing if i was dead or alive, she pointed out to me that it was the perfect example...and that she doesnot believe in social networking sites exactly for the same reason---all people in your friend list cant be called your friends...

well aartu's take on it really got me thinking...how many 'friends' do i actually have?
ok lemme rephrase that...are all the people i know and who were friends with me once upon a time still my 'friends'??
do we still care as much?
do we still bother to keep abreast of whats happening with each other? (in hindsight, do we really want that?)
or has the distance, time and work constraints come in between??
well the answer was pretty obvious...urs truly who was supposed to have the maximum number of friends once upon a time not soo long ago, has apparently been losing out on quite a number of them...

why??
well lotsa reasons...i did not manage to stay in touch...they got too busy..i got caught up..they felt ignored...
to cut the story short, nobody is to blame...we all got screwed up by life and somewhere all of us lost a little bit of each other...the bit that really cared or seemed to!! :(
but then again its not all that black...we still know we are there for each other...and ive still got some tried (their patience) and tested (their friendship) 'u-can-call-me-at-any-time-of-the-day-or-night' buddies and 'il'l-always-be-there-for-you-all-u-need-to-do-is-just-holler' pals..
so alls not lost and hopefully never will be--for them and for me..touchwood! :)


coming to the actual reason which prompted this 'blue' post----
but sticking to the promise i'd made a long time back about not diclosing any information about my patients on my blog, i cant reveal much...
its just this incident which has been happening with one of my patients during my current absense (at a professional level) which i was made aware of only yest, that i cant seem to wipe off my mind...and the fact that it was put to me so matter-of-factly makes me really wonder whether im too softhearted for this medical profession or my colleague is too stonehearted for it...

the guilt of not being around when someone u had grown soo attached to needed u the most plus the fact that ur presence would have made a big difference not only breaks your heart but leaves u with a helpless feeling that i cant even begin to explain...
and even though the guilt has not been completely wiped away, its all thanks to 'u-know-who-u-are' who helped reduce it a great deal inspite of going through a pretty stressful time himself---sometimes even though u know its not your fault, u need someone telling you that they understand and that it isnt ur mistake...

but that incident again got me thinking...how many people will actually be affected if i was to leave suddenly without a notice (obviously if and when its not in my control)?
who would cry when i die??
no! this has got nothing to do with robin sharma's bestseller...but seriously, have i made a difference to anyone really?
will i be missed? for how long? minutes? hours? days? months?

and then life will go on...like it should...
strangely this thought saddened me in ways more than one...yes probably i was selfish in wanting to be missed...and then again, was'nt it just yesterday when i wanted to be remembered fondly with a smile just once in a while and not missed too much only because i dint want to make the people i love, unhappy?
what is wrong with me?
why have i changed?
why has it suddenly all started to matter? expectations??!!maybe!!

i am no celebrity...i have my flaws..my imperfections...i sometimes get all distant and rude...have mood swings...there are times when i encrash upon ur space..at times i turn ultravulnerable and extrapossesive...while at other times i sometimes expect too much and then realise and move away silently...
im not the perfect girl...why then do i want or expect to be loved perfectly??

matters of the heart are a complicated mess and the more u try to see them in a practical light, the more entangled they get you...
i want to be missed by the people i love when im no longer there in this world..
but yet i dont want them to be unhappy missing me...
i want them to remember me...and yet i'd want them to move on...live a happy life...
am i the only one feeling this way?? :(
is it possible to come soo close to someone, shower them with all your love and affection and yet expect them not to crumble when your time is up?
would it be wrong if u love someone with all your heart and soul and let it show even when ur life makes u aware each day that no matter how much u want, your future is a little too bleak to build a steady foundation for the dream you might eventually end up dreaming together?

but then would it be right to hide your feelings all the time...fence them in...stay angry..distance out...try to move away...only in a futile attempt to make things go wrong knowing that perhaps that that'd be the only best and most practical thing to do---when the truth is that is hardly ever possible...
no matter how much ur mind scares u of the consequences, your heart almost always takes over!!
it starts speaking of selflessness, unconditional love, dreams, never-heard-of-exceptions to murphys laws, hopes, miracles and everything and anything under the sun just to convince your mind to stop scaring you...and finally your mind succumbs to the emotional blackmail and gives in too..sigh!

emotions are like coloured butterflies...u know u might never catch up with them...but so elusive are their shades, that u cant help running after them :)

a wish not just for today....!!

heyy guys, i have been accused of trying to kill cupid one day before valentine with that unexpected-out-of-the-blue post of mine...
so with sincere heartfelt apologies for unintentionally ruining the pre-valentine mood for some of you, here's urs truly wishing all of u happy valentine day wishes which hope to bring in luck, love and happiness not just on 14th feb but all life through...

so here's to all---
those who have found their true love...
those who are yet to find it...
those hoping they'l find it someday...
those who have given up on it in the process...
those running away from it...
those holding onto it too tight...
and last but not the least those letting it slip away...

here's to everyone in this whole wide world irrespective of whether u have loved or been loved...


here's to love, life and the spirit of valentine!! :)

HAPPY VALENTINE DAY!!

wiped off!!

what will u do if u wake up one fine day only to realise that the last remnants of all the memories u thought ur life depended on were gone wiped off by the one who'd helped u create them in the first place??

UPDATED: would like to end with one of my fav poems---

BEHOLD her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.

No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne'er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?

Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more.

----William Wordsworth

i guess i am but just a solitary reaper---someone who wants her song to be remembered forever :)

latest update from my side....

im walking on a rainbow..................i just hope the weather does not change!! :)