will u cry when i die?

my best friend aarti said a very sensible thing today which made me think for a long time (afterall its not everyday that she gives out such thought provoking statements :p)
she said that there are some people who come in our lives and are meant to stay only for a brief period...ofcourse the fact remains that they dont go away..they dont dissapear...they are very much in your life..but the friendship u shared once upon a time just withers away..fades off...gets neglected!

on the mention of a particular someone who for some strange reason is now limited only to my orkut profile and otherwise would probably not even be knowing if i was dead or alive, she pointed out to me that it was the perfect example...and that she doesnot believe in social networking sites exactly for the same reason---all people in your friend list cant be called your friends...

well aartu's take on it really got me thinking...how many 'friends' do i actually have?
ok lemme rephrase that...are all the people i know and who were friends with me once upon a time still my 'friends'??
do we still care as much?
do we still bother to keep abreast of whats happening with each other? (in hindsight, do we really want that?)
or has the distance, time and work constraints come in between??
well the answer was pretty obvious...urs truly who was supposed to have the maximum number of friends once upon a time not soo long ago, has apparently been losing out on quite a number of them...

why??
well lotsa reasons...i did not manage to stay in touch...they got too busy..i got caught up..they felt ignored...
to cut the story short, nobody is to blame...we all got screwed up by life and somewhere all of us lost a little bit of each other...the bit that really cared or seemed to!! :(
but then again its not all that black...we still know we are there for each other...and ive still got some tried (their patience) and tested (their friendship) 'u-can-call-me-at-any-time-of-the-day-or-night' buddies and 'il'l-always-be-there-for-you-all-u-need-to-do-is-just-holler' pals..
so alls not lost and hopefully never will be--for them and for me..touchwood! :)


coming to the actual reason which prompted this 'blue' post----
but sticking to the promise i'd made a long time back about not diclosing any information about my patients on my blog, i cant reveal much...
its just this incident which has been happening with one of my patients during my current absense (at a professional level) which i was made aware of only yest, that i cant seem to wipe off my mind...and the fact that it was put to me so matter-of-factly makes me really wonder whether im too softhearted for this medical profession or my colleague is too stonehearted for it...

the guilt of not being around when someone u had grown soo attached to needed u the most plus the fact that ur presence would have made a big difference not only breaks your heart but leaves u with a helpless feeling that i cant even begin to explain...
and even though the guilt has not been completely wiped away, its all thanks to 'u-know-who-u-are' who helped reduce it a great deal inspite of going through a pretty stressful time himself---sometimes even though u know its not your fault, u need someone telling you that they understand and that it isnt ur mistake...

but that incident again got me thinking...how many people will actually be affected if i was to leave suddenly without a notice (obviously if and when its not in my control)?
who would cry when i die??
no! this has got nothing to do with robin sharma's bestseller...but seriously, have i made a difference to anyone really?
will i be missed? for how long? minutes? hours? days? months?

and then life will go on...like it should...
strangely this thought saddened me in ways more than one...yes probably i was selfish in wanting to be missed...and then again, was'nt it just yesterday when i wanted to be remembered fondly with a smile just once in a while and not missed too much only because i dint want to make the people i love, unhappy?
what is wrong with me?
why have i changed?
why has it suddenly all started to matter? expectations??!!maybe!!

i am no celebrity...i have my flaws..my imperfections...i sometimes get all distant and rude...have mood swings...there are times when i encrash upon ur space..at times i turn ultravulnerable and extrapossesive...while at other times i sometimes expect too much and then realise and move away silently...
im not the perfect girl...why then do i want or expect to be loved perfectly??

matters of the heart are a complicated mess and the more u try to see them in a practical light, the more entangled they get you...
i want to be missed by the people i love when im no longer there in this world..
but yet i dont want them to be unhappy missing me...
i want them to remember me...and yet i'd want them to move on...live a happy life...
am i the only one feeling this way?? :(
is it possible to come soo close to someone, shower them with all your love and affection and yet expect them not to crumble when your time is up?
would it be wrong if u love someone with all your heart and soul and let it show even when ur life makes u aware each day that no matter how much u want, your future is a little too bleak to build a steady foundation for the dream you might eventually end up dreaming together?

but then would it be right to hide your feelings all the time...fence them in...stay angry..distance out...try to move away...only in a futile attempt to make things go wrong knowing that perhaps that that'd be the only best and most practical thing to do---when the truth is that is hardly ever possible...
no matter how much ur mind scares u of the consequences, your heart almost always takes over!!
it starts speaking of selflessness, unconditional love, dreams, never-heard-of-exceptions to murphys laws, hopes, miracles and everything and anything under the sun just to convince your mind to stop scaring you...and finally your mind succumbs to the emotional blackmail and gives in too..sigh!

emotions are like coloured butterflies...u know u might never catch up with them...but so elusive are their shades, that u cant help running after them :)