end-year wishes...

cheers to a wonderful time this christmas, a very happy 2011 ahead and last but not the least, another whole new chance for us to get it right!! :)

the worst kinda hurt...

there is this old 19th century english saying "sticks and stones may break my bones..but words will never hurt me"
i have always wondered the scarcity of truth (for lack of a better word) in the above statement.

how many of us have been hurt by an unkind word said to us or about us?
im sure everyone at some point of time, have harboured this kind of hurt and truth be told, these are the wounds which we in reality hardly ever manage to forget.

physical injury may cause wounds which may take a long time to heal..but the void created by words hurled carelessly, might cause irreparable damage to emotions and hence to relationships and once the damage is done, no matter how much the attempt to fix it, the hurt will always remain.

the same with gossip--mere words exchanged to a third person about a particular second person who has perhaps taken you into confidence and shared something he/she considers sacrosanct or personal..
if only we would stop to think, even for just a minute, what we would feel if our secrets were leaked out in such a random careless fashion by a trusted someone!!
trust is the basis of all relationships..a few loose words, a few leaked secrets is all it takes to break that delicate bond which takes ages to build.

what is silence again, but a lack of words!!
ive seen relationships and frienships crumble to pieces due to lack of communication.
gone is the era when people used to relate love to understanding each other perfectly even in silence..
personally, i would be rather offended if im ignored or not spoken to..and the chances of me misinterpreting the silence as indifference or lack of chemistry is more.
it can be pretty killing---considering that the void it creates will eventually lead to the death of the relationship which thrive mainly on knowing and wanting to know each other more and more.
and hence, in that sense, i can never understand how two people who claim to care so much about each other have nothing to talk about, take comfort in each others silence..i guess those are just mere excuses for want of that extra space which usually is the outcome of fatigued interest.

in conclusion---words are a pretty dangerous weapon, more like a double edged sword---
just like they can reinforce and strengthen bonds, they can also cause damage when used in lack or excess..
just like they can heal a bruised spirit, they can also hurt when used wrongly or loosely.
just like they can they can communicate heartfelt emotions and create chemistry, they can also cause rifts and complicate the best of relations when misused.

and just like the right words may not be always remembered, the wrong ones may not be easily forgotten!!

rephrasing; "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can also hurt me"

so be careful with your words..even though they seem pretty harmless, you can never know who's heart they might be breaking!!

dreams

i often wonder about the stuff dreams are actually made of...
Are they a portrayal of our innermost desires--the ones that we label as sacrosanct and keep away from the outer world to a point where we learn to hide them even from ourselves?
or are they just remnants of an overactive imagination that is put to rest by the mundane life we live while we are awake?
half the times, i am not even able to recollect my dreams..and a majority of the other half, i am unable to interpret them...
i sometimes dream of places i have never visited in my life..sometimes, of people ive never seen..and yet , when i wake up, there is a feeling of familiarity asif made to go away from them with whom i am closely connected with---not just from a few hours of sleep but through ages of unspoken emotions churning within me..

yet everything lies in fragments which when i try to join, make a very complicated puzzle with a lot of missing pieces..
and i wonder---will i ever be able to complete that picture??
will i find those missing pieces in yet another dream??

sapnay toh sapnay...sapnon ka kya??!!

cryptic thoughts #24

sometimes life is all about taking that walk on the clouds even when the weather forecast predicts torrential rain...

men in my life...

I was asked to take up this tag by tinker bell which requires me to list out my crushes--be it from the past or the present.
and perhaps its about time i spilled the beans..so here goes, for all those who are aware and for those who are not---

Doogie Howser---my sole crush during school days..i literally worshipped him..needless to say he majorly influenced me academically in those gullible years, that it makes me wonder sometimes what profession i would have landed in, had i to fall in love with Vito Corleone instead..


Rick Castle--this, i believe was more of a 'crush at first sight' thingy...but i gotta admit i was quite a fan of the 'castle-beckett' chemistry..


John big--i think every girl who is a SATC fan definitely has had a crush on him..and im not different!
sigh! if only he was a little less confused!! but then again, nobodys's perfect :-|


SRK---well, i think im over him..cant deny the fact that i found him extremely cute during my college days..and then for a long time after, i kept defending him (for old times sake)..but i am no longer a sucker for the 'cute guy' image anymore.
sorry shahrukh, this woman has stepped out of her girly fairytale world...
neverthless, just for the records...



Chandler--- my crush from the good old "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" days---just another college crush



Elvis---err..i am not sure if i could call this just a crush...


Rick blaine---*swoons* I AM DEAD SURE THIS WAS IS LOVE!!!!!
i fell i love with him watching casablanca
sigh! sigh! sigh!


Dev Anand (from his films of yore ofcourse)--this could be a little biased since im a real sucker for music and he always got the best songs...but i still think that no other actor from his era could have enacted them with greater finesse..
yea a typical 'chocolate hero' but show me a woman who doesn't like a little sensitiveness (not to be confused with mush though) in a man :-|


cole turner--*speechless* (he sure knows how to 'charm' a woman..only a guy that handsome can afford to have an attitude like his..sigh!)


err..okies..time for a abrupt halt..yours truly needs to disconnect from these dream boats for a bit--more important things, waiting for her you see..*sports a lazy garfield grin*
so i guess that's all for now people!!

ahem! afterall some secrets aka crushes are best left undisclosed...innit?? *blush blush blush*

so curb your curiosity amigos...maybe another time..maybe another day!! ;)

till then, here's to cupid--

omnia causa fiunt...

he is moving into another frame,
and this time she wont stop him!!
she's had enough of the cold harsh night,
its time she walked into the light,
silent wishes have been packed up tight,
so this time she wont stop him!!

she's had enough of that silent glare,
of being thrown away without a care
dreams undreamt for they did not dare,
so this time she wont stop him!!

she's had enough of wounds unhealed,
of charges against her never being sealed,
of old issues which keep getting revealed,
so this time she wont stop him!!

they are heading towards a different shore,
to spread their wings and fly some more,
one can never say whats there in store,
but this time she wont stop him!!

and now that all is said and done,
its reached a stage of all or none,
their fate have played this evil pun,
so this time she wont stop him!!

he is moving into another frame,
and she's tired of playing this stupid game,
with neither apology nor reason to blame,
things would never be the same,
so this time she wont stop him!!

the lost highway...

she remembered those old times and smiled to herself...she missed all that!!
the fun...the friends...the zeal of youth...the passion...life on the fast track...
and today all she had were those memories to cherish...

it was asif it all happened just to dissapear...on a lost highway in the journey of life...and no matter how much she tried to search now, it was only the magic which remained and it still managed to create ripples in her heart...

those memories of youth...those moments...some captured in photographs...some in the heart...they always managed to get a smile on her face no matter how tough the going was...

and even after almost two decades, they felt fresh...asif they just happened yesterday...
they never travelled down that path again...somehow after that trip, they all split ways...it was their last trip as a gang...their last trip together...
the time of their lives they would never forget....

promises of keeping in touch faded with years...everyone got busy with their own lives...she moved to london...job prospects seemed more appealing there...
a few ocassional phonecalls , emails and visits were all that happened....but the friendship still remained...
the gang had split but in moments of solitude each remembered the times spent together as a team...

those times spent together during those good ol days had now turned into a collage of memories down the lost highway in the journey of life...!
memories which would never fade...
memories which would just make the friendship stronger in their hearts...
memories which they would cherish for life wherever they were...

"hi guys...
missing you'll too much...im coming back...this time for good....how about we all catch up?...this time to never let go...
hoping to find our 'lost highway' again...just the way it once was....
lotsa love"


she clicked on the 'send' button and hoped the gang still accessed their emails as frequently as they used to...

to R...

you made me want to fall in love with myself when i had almost started hating me...
when friends and family started pointing out my flaws and i simply pretended to put on a brave face and fight back, you were the only one to realise that i was crumbling behind that tough exterior.

you stood by my side and made me understand, when it felt like nobody understood..all the time, making sure that you did not say anything which would hurt me further since you knew i already was at my vulnerable best..
there were times when i wanted you to stay away just like the rest of the world..i snapped at you because i was afraid---afraid that you would turn out to be like them, the ones who lost out on patience in the end and turned their back on me when i needed them the most..who kept digging at my flaws deepening the void i was already feeling inside...

but you understood..and stuck around..continued being the perfect friend--never wearing out on patience--building up my badly shaken confidence with your motivating and encouraging words..
these last two months have made me realise in bits and pieces, that sometimes we are so desperately trying to hold onto some dying relations, that we forget to notice the lasting unconditional friendships that have always been by our side..

and while joining the pieces of the puzzle today, i discover this deep sense of respect and pride for you and our decade long friendship, which is only growing with each coming day.

its true that i cannot give you my heart..but a piece of my soul now belongs to you and i promise i am never asking it back!! :)

thanks for teaching me to fly despite my broken wings...

and the magic mantra eeeeeeezzzz....

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cheers to a happy week ahead!! :)

two hearts...

one rainy day, in a land afar,
two weary hearts did pass...
different from each other, or so they seemed,
one of stone other of glass!

curious each others life to know,
they started a cordial debate...
an interpretation of their very own,
each mocking the others fate!

"like plastic flowers can never wilt,
for they have never bloomed...
you hearts of stone, can never love,
the relationship as good as doomed!"

"like glass houses cannot stand for long,
one blow and crumble they...
you hearts of glass, can shatter too,
a price you have to pay!!"

each, a different truth believed,
a valid point each made..
one wanted to fall in 'love'
the other was too afraid!

"we are happiest when not in love
free birds should fly alone...
its better never to love at all,
thats why we are made of stone!"

"rainbow dreams and happy endings?"
the glass heart started to glow...
"what it is to have loved in life,
that you would never know!"

"i couldn't care less about it all"
the stone heart declared...
"i would rather live and die for love"
quipped the heart which truly cared!

thus every time they would debate,
and time would seem to fly...
too engrossed, they failed to see,
'cupid' often pass them by!

but soon enough, took notice they,
and inevitable was the end...
coz hearts of stone can never love,
just as glass can never bend!

and another day in that far off land,
like the one when it had rained...
two hearts went their separate ways,
yet in each, a void remained!!

( writers note: i guess love is too complex an emotion--neither to be understood by hearts of stone nor by ones of glass, the former being too resistant to the fragility of the emotion and the latter being too vulnerable to its intensity...)

a happy beginning...

guess what, the confused friend who i had mentioned here, has decided to get married...she is convinced that she wants to spend the rest of her life with the guy who loves her..the 'small' pull she was facing seemed pretty big enough to make her take the plunge!!
and for all those who are wondering who amongst the two the lucky guy is, let me tell you that the ex is included in the guest list :)

personally, i being a fan of the "one-man woman" logic was a bit surprised to hear the news..but she did manage to convince me of her decision when she explained to me how this guy understands her perfectly and cares much much more than the ex ever could..
and then she said a very sensible thing which for some reason, had me thinking for a long time after..she said "shaadi ke baad toh pyaar thoda kam ho hi jata hai..if the guy (read the 'ex') takes me so much for granted before marriage, the you can imagine how he would treat me later if i become his wife"

some people make it sound so simple dont they? and it does make so much sense too...sigh!

i guess when the moment is right, falling in love (or in some cases, falling out of it) is destiny!!
anyhoo, i guess alls well that ends well---the confusion has finally been sorted.
and our anjaani has found her anjaana..and they have found their happily-ever-after...

kahani poori filmi hain..but love has its own way it seems :)

here's wishing the couple a whole lot of happiness in the times to come!!

cryptic thoughts #23

when you feel like time has stood still, it could also mean its time to get a new watch...

lets put aside the old and create new memories this time around!! :)

mere, tumhare, sabke liye...

here's hoping this diwali illuminates our world with everlasting joy and happiness and may we learn to cherish the old and welcome the new, this festive season.



WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY DIWALI!! :)

Happy Diwali - Hom...

an endless kinda magic...

(dedicated to all those who have ever felt the magic of love)


he knows this endless kinda magic,
which works its way with me...
straight into my heart and mind
where none other else can be...

a magic that i wake to each morning,
that keeps me spellbound through the day...
lost in thoughts of what he'd be doing,
mesmerised by whatever he tends to say...

its an endless kinda magic,
that sends me dreaming through the night...
one that can get me smiling,
and make every trouble seem so light...

its come a long way this magic,
through insecurities and tiffs...
survived all the misunderstandings,
fought with a million 'buts' and 'ifs'...

its this endless kinda magic,
which has made my life sublime...
a magic which has toughened,
and grown stronger over time...

he knows that endless kinda magic,
which noone else can see...
but i believe in that magic,
just as he believes in me...

celebrate the magic of love..everything else is just an illusion!!

the story within...

there is a story in everyone of us...

some are locked never to be opened
some are merely ignored
some are afraid of biased reactions
some shy away from the crowd
some are scared of rejection
some are happy with their clandestine existence
some revel in their privacy
some want to be forgotten
some dont dare to reveal themselves
some too painful to be remembered
some too selfish to be shared
some just prefer to play 'hide and seek'
some wait for the right person to 'tag'

and then there are those stories which are free flowing,

like the breeze which runs through your hair on a windy afternoon..
like the tears which trickle down your cheeks when you are sad...
like the chill which sends shivers down your spine on hearing something scary...
like the cheer in your voice when you are pleased with yourself...
like the rush of happiness you feel when you hug someone you love...
like the pangs of seperation you cant express when you are missing someone special...
like the familiar feeling knocking on your heart when you experience de'ja vu...
like the cherished memories which still visit you from time to time...
like the thoughts which keep you awake even at the end of a long tiring day...
like the experience which transports you back into time when it 'used to be'...
like the dreams which still flash before your eyes when your sleeping...
like the hopes which are long since gone but still not dead...

These stories run freely without any expectation of applause or accolades.
they mingle with the air leaving their beautiful scent wherever they go...
they neither want to be explained nor interpreted..
neither want to questioned nor probed...
neither want to be labelled as facts nor termed as fiction...

Sometimes they are accused of confusing the world..but that doesn't stop them!
"How can someone who is already so confused be confused any further?" is all they ask and disappear knowing that staying there would only kill them slowly and silently..

they are sometimes labelled complicated..thats when they gracefully accept the designated status and leave with mixed feelings of hurt and regret in search of someone who would probably be simple enough only to understand them..
to understand them---as those who try to live despite the thousand odds...as those who wish to fight every demon who comes their way...as those who want to smile even when they are bruised and hurting..

and more importantly as those who are not meant to be ignored or suppressed out of fear or shame but would rather run free and wild with someone who would accept them as they are, without a single care in the world!!

its true---there is a story in everyone of us....

corollary

"Life never gives us what we want at the moment that we consider appropriate...." - E.M. Forster, A Passage To India


"Life sometimes gives us what we want at the moment we consider most inappropriate..."-Pri , Nostalgic Moments

*smiles*

cryptic thoughts #22

every once in a while, life pulls out an old decision and makes us contemplate whether it was worth making it...that is when we realise that we can only win if we manage to push it successfully away, back again!!
and its during these times that retrospection brings about no good...a moment passed is a moment lost and its futile to yearn for that moment to come our way again..
sometimes, nostalgia brings along a sharp pain which can engulf us if we don't let go of it on time..

but there are also times in life, when we lose and its still okay because after all is said and done--those are those moments, those decisions, that we know are worth losing to--losing our ego..losing our pride...losing ourselves...
it is these moments that we need to go right back and hold onto, hoping its not too late...
regret brings along a sharper pain which can engulf us if we dont hold on to it on time..

what is important is choosing our moments wisely!!

of secrets behind lowered eyes

the only reason i donot look into your eyes is because i can see the reflection of my dreams there---the ones that i have been hiding, probably even from myself...

inspired by this wonderful song, playing on my ipod right now---

"jaane kya dhoondhti rehti hai ye aankhe mujh mein,
raakh ke dher mein shola hai na chingaari hai"

just a little note...

special people are those who make you feel special...

so here's to "october 2010" ---a terrible month with a few terrible lows which in their own weird way, pointed out to me a few special people in my life who made me feel special and blessed..
thankyou so very much!! :)

a rendezvous of a different kind...

I see her every day..but today, she looked different..different from her usual self.
on any other day, i would have overlooked this but perhaps today, i had the time---time to spend with her..time to take notice..

she said nothing and yet there was something about her which told me what exactly she was feeling--as if quietly giving out all the secrets locked in her heart.

the lines on her forehead signified that she had so many questions to ask and yet she had given up on them being answered..
the smile on her lips was sardonical---one which wouldn't quite reach her eyes..

she had a tired look on her face....she looked tired...tired from running...as if to say she was running away from something which was trying hard to keep pace with her.

her droopy eyes said that she hadn't slept last night...maybe last so many nights....and yet there was a strange solace in them which said that she had gotten used to the deliberate self inflicted routine..

she seemed like just another face lost in the crowd..preparing to nurture in herself, enough strength to resist all the blows life had been offering and yet trying to be happy.
she seemed like someone who had discovered life and along with it the fact that it is so difficult to actually 'live'.
she seemed so much of a juvenile who was trying to come out of her world of fairytales but believing that they still exist somewhere.
yet she seemed like a woman who had seen enough to convince herself that life doesn't always come with a 'happily ever after' ending.

she seemed a bit like all of these and yet not enough of any one of them.

i met her again today...we shared an awkward silence--undisturbed..uninterrupted---a silence which said a lot.

i did not want to intervene this time..i just wanted to stand face to face with her and notice...something i had never done before maybe due to lack of time or interest or perhaps both.
is it that i'd moved away...moved apart??
could i in some way, be responsible for this disintegrated personality---her fragmented identity?
have i been neglecting her..ignoring her..avoiding her??
is it just life or am i also responsible for piling up the mess she is in??

Today, i noticed the child in her..the woman in her....the optimist...the pessimist...the fighter...the loser in her..so many shades which had gone unnoticed..

...and it felt as if i had never before in my entire life met her---this stranger in the mirror!!


writers note: wont be around for a while..seems like the stranger in the mirror needs a little of my undivided attention and i think it is my duty to oblige---i owe her that much...
I will be back though and hopefully, sooner than you think!! ;)

the dilemma of a confused heart...

if faced with a choice, whom would you rather choose----someone whose absense has made you shed a million tears or someone whose presence has made you smile a million smiles?

while in the former case--the tears stand in testimony of how vulnerable your heart is to that special someone and hence proof of your love for him, in the latter scenario---the smiles stand as evidence to how happy you can be with that other someone..

so who according to you, does the 'confused' heart really love??

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this post is triggered off by a conversation i had with a friend who is faced with a similar complicated situation in which the guy who had broken up with her has apparently realised and come back in her life...the dilemma ia however, due to this wonderful other guy who managed to become her friend and confidante and get her smiling even during this horrible post breakup phase..
while she is still in love with the ex, a small part of her heart is pulled in another direction---and hence the confusion!!

P.S: this is based on a real life situation and has no correlation whatsoever with "anjaana anjaani" (though we did have the conversation only after watching the movie which she, by the by, ironically found extremely 'filmy' and 'unrealistic'..lol!!)

cryptic thoughts #21

It is only sometimes in life that you love someone so much to ever be able to hate, even if the mind comes up with a million excuses..
because deep down, the heart refuses to render any reason strong enough to do so..

when the heart is broken into a thousand pieces, it might stop showing but all the pieces will love just the same!!

cryptic thoughts #20

i am beginning to hate the internet...just like it has the capacity to get the world at your fingertips, it is also capable of snatching it right out of your hands---all with only the simple click of a button.

electronic memory badi hi bewafa hoti hain..sometimes one wrong click and you lose out on everything!!

unhinged thoughts...

rainbows??
i have stopped walking on rainbows...how can one depend on something that changes with the weather??
i dont like changes...
especially the changes which haunt you all the time..they make me uneasy..
its like enjoying something knowing that it will disappear soon enough..
how do you manage to enjoy something like that? how can you not be afraid of getting too attached?
do we have control over our emotions?
then how do you walk on the rainbow...knowing that it will disappear when it rains and leave you hanging midway?

i'd rather tread on sunshine..
i'd rather befriend the night...
they are much more constant...you know when they are going to come and when they are supposed to leave..
and you know that they are going to be back to greet you after the decided hours of separation.
they never let you down..they are constant..fixed..predestined!!

but im not exactly comfortable with everything being predestined either, am i??

rainbows make me jittery.
people tell me that walking on them is fun..they make you feel very happy..happy from within..and then sometimes, if you are lucky, you might even reach the pot of gold at the end.
luck...funny word!!
that changes too doesn't it?

why do all things have to change?
why does everything that makes you happy follow the norm of change!?
colours change...
smiles change..
reasons change...
people change...
emotions, feelings, friendships, love..everything..everything changes!!

memories never change...i like memories!
they are wonderful and they never change...
the past is over..it is not capable of change..is that why, i keep reminiscing over it?
is that what makes nostalgia feel so dear--because memories never change?
they stay exactly how they were--intact..precious!!
the montage of memories keeps building up but never changes.
they keep getting better with time--older and better..they are exceptions to the rule of change...
i like exceptions!!

destiny??
probably that doesn't change too..or does it?
we'd never know for sure anyway would we?!!
why do we keep fighting it then?
maybe im destined to live with the constants and run away from the variables while im still ahead...while they still haven't changed to something unimaginable which i've gotten to know they have the potential of changing into..
but wouldn't the variable think i've changed then??
I--the constant who ran away...
perhaps!!

so then what does that really make me?
a constant to a constant..and a variable to a variable?
a selfish soul who is afraid of getting hurt by change she wouldn't be able to handle or just a human using her skills of self defence at the first warning of change?
are you confused?
afraid you would never be able to figure me out?
feel like i am not making any sense??
perhaps!!

i talk in riddles..
my words are cryptic at times...
so are my thoughts--they dont always mean what you make out of them..
at times, i want you to figure me out and yet sometimes im happy you haven't..
perhaps, that is my way of knowing the keepers from the quitters..the constants from the variables..of understanding who will stay till the end...of realising when to leave before im left...

ends?
everything eventually ends...
sometimes it happens gradually and you dont even realise when...
some things are made to end...some final blows have to be accepted no matter how hard they hurt..
some ends are a relief..
some are new beginnings..
and some..some are just what they seem to make us feel---inevitable-dead--ends!!


stop?
yeah i need to stop..
this post needs to stop..
but these thoughts??
they do not...the mind has no rest..
some thoughts just refuse to leave!

and im sure you, who are still trying to make sense out of this string of thoughts are already muttering the who-has-the-time-to-figure-her-out?-as-if-i-care! monologue..

but that exactly my dear, is where you might have missed the point!! :)

cryptic thoughts #19

there is not much of a difference between love and madness is there?

you keep denying it and it keeps harassing you...
but when you finally acknowledge it, you find yourself already discharged from the asylum! ;P

...jaane kyon log pyaar karte hain...

i know why the caged bird sings---by Maya Angelou

The free bird leaps
on the back of the win
and floats downstream
till the current ends
and dips his wings
in the orange sun rays
and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks
down his narrow cage
can seldom see through
his bars of rage
his wings are clipped and
his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings
with fearful trill
of the things unknown
but longed for still
and its tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze
an the trade winds soft through the sighing trees
and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn
and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams
his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream
his wings are clipped and his feet are tied
so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.

---Maya Angelou

the misunderstood phoenix...

a strange sort of calmness envelopes her mind today...she cannot comprehend what it exactly is..nor can she say where exactly it is coming from..she does not even know why she is suddenly feeling this way..probably the happenings over the past so many days are finally taking a toll on her in this one mysterious way..but who is she to complain?

it is as if the mind is a clean slate with absolutely no regret of any kind on it..
all of a sudden, all the scribbles of hurt and pain are being washed away as if by a single clean sweep of magic.
She is experiencing a state of oblivion..and she has realised this time its going to last a while...because this time around, it feels like the whole world--although in a not so right way--has been helping her attain it.

selfish?? maybe!! but she seriously has had enough of trying to understand those who matter and still made to feel like it was her fault to expect the same..
how tough was it to understand that she is human too?? she has expectations too and when they are shattered, it hurts..
it pains her too when she is ignored, shunned and taken for granted..
she bleeds too when her words are misunderstood and misjudged..

and life has never been kind..
she's had to feel the muffled screams of her feelings when they were harshly made to choke to death..
she's had to face the winter she was thrown in when it was freezing cold...
she's had to hear the blunt use of carelessly hurled words which cut her deeper than the sharpest of knives...
she's had to see the closest of relations ripped apart and disposed off like chunks of rotten defunct garbage...
and then again, the good is hardly remembered..its always the mistakes that are never forgotten!

she is aware these moments will never completely disappear...each day after today, they will come back to her in bits and pieces--but the only difference is that it will not hurt anymore..she will no longer feel the warmth of tears running down her cheeks!

she is done with crying a thousand tears..she is done with dying a million deaths...she is done with having to be the only one who has to understand every single time...she is done with having to hear that she hasn't tried enough..

today, she has made a firm decision to start all over again..but this time around, she is keeping her ashes!!

(sidenote to readers: comments to this post have been disabled for obvious reasons..so please do not try to reach out to me regarding any of this--as this is just a much needed vent out, for me to get over and you to keep quiet about)

love on cloud 9

Sneha stared at the envelope.Rahul had asked her to open it only after he left the country.
He did not know her reaction and had it been a 'no', he knew it would crumble him and he did not want the last few days of his stay to be uneasy, uncomfortable and most of all painful.
But now that he was leaving, he wanted an answer...an excuse to come back as soon as possible...an excuse to see her smiling face...listen to her chirpy voice and spend time with her.
'naah' he thought 'spend his entire life with her'--the thought made him smile...but he dint know her answer and that is what scared him at times.
What if she just disposed off this proposal saying that she wasn't sure of her feelings just as yet.
Afterall she'd done that before when he in his own way had dropped her a subtle hint.
The thought made his smile disappear and a sudden fear reflected in his eyes--fear of the unknown...fear of rejection...fear of having to wait...maybe for months, years...or perhaps maybe for a lifetime.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Sneha sat on her bed holding the closed envelope in hand.
The day was approaching.Soon she would have to give her answer.
She knew what the note in it would have to say.Rahul always did tht---'things wch cant be said should be written, but somehow they just have to get across..its not fair otherwise' he'd always say.
Sneha knew that was true.She appreciated his honesty though sometimes she couldn't help wishing he wasn't so honest about his feelings.

There was something about him she liked a lot...the way he smiled at her...the way he would put aside everything, however important it was if she was upset...the way he picked up that fight with the stranger on the road for staring hard at her, much to her and her friends embarrassment...the subtle compliments he gave her making her blush..the way she could be herself with him knowing he wouldn't mind at all and would only pamper her all the more.
and there was this consolation that he knew everything about her...it would be easy--spending a life with him.
Infact they already were doing tht to some extent.He helped her through everything.They had been there for each other all the time---inseparable buddies!

She liked the way he had changed her into a stronger person and yet retained the innocence in her..She liked the fact that he knew exactly how to make her laugh without making her dependant on him to smile at the world.
She liked the way she knew everything about him and yet he would always want to tell her more feeling she dint know enough...and somehow he was never afraid of confessing what he really felt.
She loved his honesty...his frankness..the way he would yell at her if she did something stupid...his passion for his work and yet his amazing time management...but was all that enough to call it love?? enough to mend and give away a brutally broken heart to someone else??

She hated herself for the times she had subtly declined him..would this be yet another of those times?.
It hurt her to think of it but then she just couldn't give an easy answer.The moment she tried to, there were tears flowing down her cheek which blurred everything.
She always believed in 'never marry someone you can live with.marry someone you cannot live without'
was it too early? how could she be sure she was over her past yet?
After all she hadn't completely forgotten the story that had brutally ended breaking her heart into a thousand pieces with a single blow.It kept popping in her mind time and time again--the story which had made her stop believe in love and relationships...the story she was not sure if she could ever forgive but was hell sure she would never forget--never forget the bitterness it had left in her...the hurt...the emotional baggage she carried from it!
Rahul was aware about all this.
but he hoped it would change...and she?? she no longer knew what to hope for.

but that one day at the airport changed everything!

Her flight had been postponed.
As she waited patiently, there were a thousand thoughts goin on in her head...'why did i take tht envelope? I know what the letter contains.then why couldn't i just leave it behind and then say that i forgot to take it with me while leaving? what am i going to say? would it be hurting him yet another time?? What is it that hurts me so bad to hurt him? is it just friendship or....?? but isn't it too early?? am i sure enough for a commitment?'-an entire whirlpool of questions rising up--voices in her head screaming at her asking her what she really wanted.
and yet she had just one reply 'i don't know'...

Enraptured in a trance she moved towards a nearby cafe to grab a bite.
There were still two hours for the flight.
She was tired..the afternoon heat was killing her ...and so were the voices in her head.

'watch where you going lady' said a rude voice as she absentmindedly bumped into someone standing,back towards her.
'im soo sorry' she said as she bent over to lift up her bag wch had flung itsself on the floor.
Carelessly tucking the loose strand of hair behind her ear she picked up her bag and rose with a half apologetic half angry look on her face to greet the grinning face of someone .... very familiar...

2 years...

two long blasted years had passed and nothing much had changed and yet strangely everything had.
HE was standing there--amit---the same grinning face as she'd seen him last..the unkempt look which she once adored...the crumpled shirt, the messed up hair...all the same
but the softness in his eyes had disappeared on seeing her.somehow it was replaced by a cold surprised stare.

She stared back at him surprised at fate for crossing their path again.
She said nothing...
she could only keep staring as his grin disappeared on seeing her.He suddenly became pale as if he'd seen a ghost...conscious of his surroundings...his friends around.
She couldn't help but stare at the reaction as she walked by without uttering a word.
She dint want him to be uneasy.
She dint want to interfere...yes, that was the word---INTERFERENCE...
'you know her from somewhere??' the girl next to him asked in an almost posessive tone, noticing the beads of perspiration on his forehead.
'no i don't.have never seen her before in my life' she heard him say almost instantly as his friends continued on with their bantering.

Sneha headed back to the airport...suddenly she didn't feel hungry anymore.
She wiped the tears flowing down her cheek as the voices in her head disappeared one by one.
But somewhere within she was happy...perhaps this one last blow was needed and it had come right on time.

As she boarded the plane, she knew that this was the last time she was crying.
The flight took off and she felt a strange sorta heaviness leave her.

Today she was no longer thinking of those past two years without 'the one she was always crying over' but was thinking about those same 2yrs with the wonderful times she had spent with someone who loved her like crazy..who had won the heart of family and friends because he knew they mattered...who was ready to wait for her answer till the end of time...who she had been overlooking as a friend all this while for someone who dint even want to acknowledge her as one.

She searched her purse for the envelope and read the letter.
She smiled...that guy always swept her off her feet with his words...and today she was not going to hold herself back.

sometimes it takes years to realise something while sometimes it could happen in a matter of seconds...somehow you always seem not to realise something only until you refuse to realise it...

For the first time, she was looking forward to answer THE question...

...and right there amidst the clouds, she rose in love!!

life---a journey!!

life is just a journey,
and we--tired fellow travellers...
meeting each other at bends and crossroads...
each a different path may have to choose,
but eventually all of us end at a common destination...

some might take years to reach there,
while others might reach in a jiffy...
each may take a different route,
cos nobody knows which one is right...

somewhere a common patterm we relate to,
sometimes a common link we might find...
somehow each one of us is bound,
by a blurry web of faith and deceit...

we find ourselves walking hand in hand,
only to leave each other astray around a bend....
cos we afterall are merely fellow travellers...
with a common destination but different roadmaps..
and what lies ahead is an unsolved mystery!!

"Baithe Baithe Aise Kaise Koi,
Rasta Naya Sa Mile...
Tu Bhi Chale Mein Bhi Chalu,
Honge Kam Yeh Tabhi Faasle!!"

of a beautiful song and an ugly question...

this song has been constantly playing on my ipod since the last two days..there is something about it which makes me want to play it over and over again...
whether its the hope in the lyrics or the irony---i really dont know!


Dhundhla jaayein jo manzilein
Ik pal ko tu nazar jhuka
Jhuk jaaye sar jahan wahi
Milta hai rab ka raasta
Teri kismat tu badal de
Rakh himmat bus chal de
Tere saathi mere kadmon ke hain nishaan
Tu na jaane aas pass hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

Tu na jaane aas pass hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

Khud pe daal tu nazar
Haalaton se haar kar
Kahan chala re
Haath ki lakeer ko
Modhta marodta
Hain hausla re
Toh khud tere khwabon ke rang mein
Tu apne jahan ko bhi rang de
Ke chalta hoon mein tere sang mein
Ho shaam bhi toh kya
Jab hoga andhera
Tab paayega dar mera
Uss dar pe phir hogi teri subah

Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda
Tu na jaane aas pass hai khuda

mit jaate hain sabke nishaan
bas ek woh mitta nahi..hayee
maan le jo har mushkil ko marzi meri hayeee
ho humsafar na tera jab koi
saaya mera rahega tab wahin
tujhse kabhi na ek pal bhi main juda...

tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda
tu na jaane aas paas hain khuda

after hearing the song all day and appreciating its lyrics, there was still a small empty part of my soul which couldn't help but look towards the sky and ask---"agar aap aas paas ho, toh sab kuch dekhkar bhi undekha kyon karte ho??"

cryptic thoughts #18

sometimes, being blessed with a great memory is the saddest thing that can ever happen to someone
because
remembering the good times stops you from moving ahead..and recollecting the bad, from going back...

and there is nothing which feels more suffocating than being stuck like that---somewhere in the middle, between everything and nothing!!

cryptic thoughts #17

in the first place, most of the choices life has asked me to make have not been 'choices' at all...

and i think i can no longer expect anyone to understand that--atleast not the ones who matter!!

drawing lines...

let us draw a line today---you and me...

between friendship and love...
between fondness and weakness...
between infatuation and obsession...
between leaning in and depending on...
between strong faith and blind belief...
between our casual confessions and our deepest secrets...
between leisure and habit...
between pleasure and addiction...
between familiarity and monotony...
between facts and assumptions...
between our destiny and reality...
between today and forever...

let us draw a line today,
and decide for ourselves how thick or thin it should be..

tempted!!

my listless mind meanders, tempting me yet again!!!
.....
........
............

i am tempted to ease all your pain,
am tempted to fall once again...
am tempted to start over new,
just tempted to be with you...

and as each day goes floating by,
this temptation brings another why,
a why with no explanation to give,
a why with which i will learn to live...

to answer it is futile an attempt,
yet something wants me to succumb to the tempt...
keeping me away from all temptations new,
why cant it rather stop me from missing you?

just two steps away and i can go back there,
but maybe all has changed and you'd no longer care...
i might not be needed or welcomed ever,
and the price to pay could be misery forever...

something tempts me to go and check,
and yet, im afraid of being called a wreck...
what if im mocked at, insulted and thrown,
again a choice made and again left alone...

i want to be there, yet never be found,
want to stay away, yet always be around...
to be able to slip away so that noone can see,
and yet know you are always with me...

want to watch silently cos i know i care,
as life goes on,though at times dosen't feel fair...
As i wish i could stay and know more about u,
i cant stop wondering if you'd be missing me too...

tempted but doubt if it'd ease the pain,
tempted but afraid to fall once again,
tempted but scared to start over new,
tempted but clueless if you are tempted too...
.....
.......
..........
.....
...


(this piece was scribbled by me in one of life's vulnerable moments...found the desolate sketch rolled in a crumpled ball of paper, while cleaning one of my drawers today)

and we meet again....

GANPATI BAPPA MORYAAAAA....MANGAL MURTI MORYAAAA!! :) :) :) :)



sidenote to ganpatibappa: we seriously need to discuss my life and your plan...lets take this up offline, as soon as possible ok?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!

a lost moment--revisited!!

There is a painting on a distant wall...we stare at it long enough and then wonder what details the artist has tried to capture in it...we go closer to appreciate those details..closer...more closer... and then there comes a point where everything appears a blur.. but dreamers like me who are too intrigued ignore the haze and keep going closer trying to build up the clarity believing what we perhaps want to believe....that is when we start seeing a pattern in the blur...a pattern so beautiful that even the artist cannot have had imagined...a pattern which probably is not even meant to exist... dazzled by our own imagination, we continue staring at it...appreciating its beauty more with our heart than with our eyes...until..someone standing at a distance comes up to us and sniggers...we get angry, irritated...how dare he ridicule us---he who is too blind to see this beautiful pattern!! it is only when we are held by the hand and taken back to where we once stood, that we understand the truth of the situation... viewing the picture from a distance always helps see a clearer image...the picture as it actually is...and then we realise that perhaps the painting isn't as rosy afterall.. ... ....... ........... .............. ................. .................... ....................... .......... ...... ... and that probably it never was!!

of complicated stories with happy endings...

dunno why--just felt like posting this today :)

and thats the way it actually is...

Its disheartening how seldom we realise that the true meaning of life lies within us..and even if we do, its even more disheartening how soon we forget.

We keep asking questions, keep searching for answers---answers that have always been inside us...if only we would stop looking for them elsewhere.


Life is like a mirror..a looking glass...but the difference being very often we do not find the time to look into it long enough to notice what it seems to be trying to reflect upon us.

Just like a mirror shows you your own reflection, life pretty much does the same..try smiling a little more and you will see what i mean.

Life , like a looking glass doesn't have an opinion of its own..it just shows us reality..no rosy pictures..no false images.


we smile..it smiles back at us....

we cry..it gives us a thousand more reasons to...

we think ourself insignificant...it further questions our existence...

we feel proud of ourself...it shares our happiness...

Its all a question of our attitude and how we perceive ourselves..


and yet we blame life for being stubborn..for being partial..for being unfair...

when the truth is---its just our very own reflection...its all about how we look at it!!

some borrowed words--close to my heart!

(this message has once again, managed to fill up the void to some extent...i do not know who it is originally written by..but whoever it is, sure hell nailed it right!!

something which manages to get my soul nodding in agreement every time i read it---one of the best forwards i have ever been emailed and probably the only one which has remained with me ever since i first read it..)

We lost ourselves the day we were born

Since then the search began

To find those of our family



We were confused

For we were given a family of birth

We had friends from our situation

In this funny place called “society”

We travelled

And felt the semblance of the primeval sensation of life

We wondered why we felt at home on the road

We were made to believe we were a little strange

For how many stay away from “home” for so long?

How many become the rebels we did?



We wandered on empty streets in the night

Feeling the wind of the sea, the river, the mountains of wherever we lived…

We had so many questions and no answers we found

We searched, always searched

We searched even for ourselves…



We delved in unfathomable depths of the being

We rowed for months in strange alien seas

We searched for friends of the soul

Somehow no friends we had ever,

seemed like friends enough…

How could we explain what “friends” meant to us?

Friends were beings so akin to us

They could read our minds

Walk in step with us on those roads of life

Friends were those who travelled with us

Climbed mountains, forged rivers, conquered seas…

Friends were one life breath, strangely

Such few “friends” we never found in this world



We stayed aloof…from so much

The norms, the religions, thought processes of the world

We risked our lives, our positions, our family relations for our beliefs



We did the things we believed in

Worked for none but ourselves

We were called selfish for we cared

About our own well being…



We fought, we battled,

We ran like mad from so many, so much

We hid, we absconded, we hibernated



Some of us found our soulmates

Some of us didn’t

Some of us had homes, children, love

Some of us lived lonely in far away homes

Some of us were fulfilled having found the love

The understanding we seeked, the minds akin to ours

Some of us…after a long time stopped searching having understood that in some lifetimes we were meant to be alone

Our soulmates parted from us, living another life…

May be in another world, probably another time zone…



We, the seekers, the thinkers, the rebels

We ache to get together for nowhere seems like home

We long for company of similar minds, sensibilities

We hurt, we bleed, we pain, we die…

But we live completely, every moment of our lives

Live the good and bad as same

Give all of ourselves to the world…

To nature… to art…

For there is no other way to live we know

We seek answers all the time

We question all the time



We are probably the only ones who know how deep pain carves its being into us

And how full happiness makes us feel…

We are comfortable with extremes

We are comfortable with tears, with abandonment, with aloneness…



We, the unknown ones

We, the misfits

We, the seekers, the thinkers, the rebels!!

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if we ever meet again...

if we ever meet again,
i will tell you a story...
a story of two strangers,
of smiles exchanged and laughter shared,
of friendship which grew stronger everyday,
of memories so unintentionally created,
of patting backs and shaking hands,
of coffee conversations and secrets shared,
of a tinge of wonder and a sense of pride,
of blossoming love and unaware minds,
of innocent feelings and rainbow dreams,
of blissfully wishing over shooting stars,
of sleepless nights and silent thoughts,
of two strangers who became friends--just like that!

if we ever meet again,
i will tell you a story...
a story of the same two strangers,
of their life now--how it took a turn,
of pleasantries exchanged and tears suppressed,
of bonds losing strength by the day,
of memories screaming out to be erased,
of turning backs and leaving sides,
of awkward conversations and secrets kept,
of a sense of pain and a tinge of regret,
of wilting love and conscious hearts,
of selfish feelings and broken dreams,
of shedding tears over shooting stars,
of different worlds and tainted thoughts,
of two friends who became strangers--just like that!

if we ever meet again,
i will tell you a story...

cryptic thoughts #16

Sometimes avoiding someone is not the best way to fall out of love with them....because then your heart sits with the perfect image you might have created of him/her and refuses to let go.
perceptions and images get altered with time and situations..and before you know it, you are not in love anymore--and you realise that the impossible has happened--you have moved on..

its true, too much of familiarity at times does breed contempt!!

and sometimes...

"In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do." i read this somewhere a long time back..and it remained with me!! isn't it true? for a brief moment today, i thought of someone..someone who i had disposed off never to think of again.. its been years and what surprised me was that today, in one of my weakest moments, its still him that crossed my mind for no apparent reason per se..not for the person he is may be now..but for the person i thought he was to me once upon a time--someone more than a friend, mentor and confidante put together.. and all of a sudden, a silly thought crossed my mind--i wondered if he would ever name his daughter 'priyanka' :)

cryptic thoughts #15

I gaze at the jewel studded night sky and my longing gaze reminds me that its time i demarcate my boundaries yet again--there are some frontiers that even dreams are not capable of crossing.

"perhaps in another world...." i console myself.

the stars peep through the blue blanket and tease me playfully knowing that i can never reach them.
the moon like always, is singing a melancholic lullaby of how it yearns to tell my story to the world and yet is helplessly bound by the silent promise he has made to me..
and i lie awake in my bed, thinking what it would be like for the soul to fly across that huge expanse into the arms of freedom--where it truly belongs.

i am sinking..slowly..into an unknown land..waiting to hold on to that extended hand..

"just a little longer" says a voice i can barely recognise.i close my eyes refusing to wake up, afraid of losing sight of that wonderful reality where i know i belong and yearn to go back to.

but even with my eyes tightly shut, i cannot capture that ephemeral world long enough to stay in it..the beautiful vision fades away and im forced to open my eyes once again, to this harsh life of illusions..

and i realise the wait has not yet ended..its still not time for me to leave!

they tell me that the sky is my limit...
but how high can one really fly with clipped wings??

honth ghumao..seethi bajao---howwwww??!!!!

It is so intimidating when you are not able to do a simple thing the whole damn world can...

the deep sense of unfulfillment that you are haunted by, nothing can ever make up for it.
and then the myriad attempts to attain it and then the realisation that perhaps you are just not cut out for it...that no matter how much you try, failure is all you would encounter.

i guess my parents are to blame--when kids my age stuck their fingers in their mouth and blew hard making those shrill noises, my mom had been busy showing signs of disgust at their behaviour.
this, my poor brain picked up as something that mommy dearest thought as totally mannerless and hence socially not acceptable..which ofcourse is natural at that tender age, since we tend to believe that moms are always right--more because they keep telling you they are..sigh! (my mom however hasn't changed much in that respect but that anyways is another story)
being convent educated just made things worse.they taught us to say 'hail mary' and do the 'sign of the cross' and they made us attend mass and taught us quotes and verses from the bible and and somewhere in between all those morning assemblies and thoughts-for-the-day's, i started believing 'thou shall not whistle' to be one of the commandments (none of my catholic friends told me it wasnt..hmpf!) and that it would be a sin to disobey it..
and ofcourse good ol convent educated girls should not whistle--that was the norm...it was just not lady like--so they said! *yawn*

but then wishes die hard..you know how it is goes--the case of the forbidden fruit et all. (well, nobody had forbidden me from it per se..but i liked to imagine they had--i used my imagination for kicks back then)
i would still sigh when i saw someone whistle to call a cab or entertain a bored toddler..how i wished i could do that!

teenage years were a proud phase to be in..but i cannot deny the small pangs of jealousy for even the most 'vella' college romeos who flunked their subjects every year and bunked classes..everytime they would whistle some random bollywood number in the corridors, the ugly green monster inside my head kept screaming "SEE!! you good for nothing nut..even THEY can do it!!"

but even my battered self esteem and bruised ego did not manage to kill my fascination for the esteemed talent.
being a girl, i was kept being consoled that it was okay not to know hot to whistle..because it wasn't lady like anyway yada yada yada...but who cared??!
what was this big deal about being all lady like anyway?

my brain had already registered it as target and i had to prove the ego trampling voices in my head wrong.
and god was just not being fair---it wasnt like i planned to misuse the talent or something.
it would just be reserved for special occasiions like say--an ultra hot dude walking your way or perhaps an amazing designer outfit at a shopping arcade, the kind which just draws your breath away when you see the price tag until you can hold it no more without letting a small whistle escape your lips..sigh!

BUT ALAS!! :(
as i was dreaming, i realised that i probably would never be able to do all this in reality...damn!!
i became the butt of all jokes..i the cursed one--the one who couldn't whistle!
i tried learning. practiced sticking out my tongue, rolling it in back again, sticking in two fingers and blowing hard...to the extent that my dad once thought i was choking on my food and was all set to call up the doctor..that was when i had to confess my shortcoming to my family.
my family has never been cooperative though--esp my sis..instead of sympathizing with me, all she did was laugh hysterically at my earnest attempts.

but no amount of mockery could set me off my goal..i learnt to deal with that too.afterall what's a little family ridicule to interfere with the pursuit of my dream??
i wouldn't give up.i changed timings..hours of practice begun early mornings now.
i would wake up, brush my teeth and start my 'rhiaaz' every morning..i put in 100% dedication (i think i haven't put in so much effort even while studying in med school)
but i couldn't get anything more than a muffled whimper along with loads of wasted energy.

this went on for years..im not a quitter no..atleast not one who quits easily!
its a different thing that i still cant whistle but i have overcome the flying saliva and the facial distortions to a great degree. *goes red with embarassment*

but atleast now that yours truly is old and grey (*insert an hysterical bout of coughing to prove that point*) she can come up with better excuses and say its just not lady like to make such shrill noises in public.
i mean cmon have you ever seen a lady whistle..huh? huh??

just imagine..what would i have done if i was a guy?? i mean JUST IMAGINE!!!
with all due respect to the guys who do not know how to whistle, i would seriously have died out of shame..so there, im still better off aint i? *clings to the silver lining of the dark cloud*
i dont think i have ever in my life been happier being a woman..phew!

but you know how it is about self consolation..it doesn't last long..and everyone eventually does notice my grief stricken face reflecting my saddened spirit which has still not been able to let go of my inadequacy.
but its okay i guess..who said life is fair anyway?
afterall im just a mere human who has got to accept her shortcomings and move on in life, knowing that she will have to hit the grave with one major regret--that she never really could learn how to whistle! *sad music in the background please*

on that sad and wistful note,
im outta here!