cryptic thoughts #4

...and actually there are just two types of people in this world---strangers we think we know and strangers we know we dont...

WARNING--'rebound thinkoholic' mode in progress

Today, for a brief moment i felt i could actually be living in an imaginary world...a world of make-believe where i understand everything and everyone the way i do, just because i believe..perhaps a bit too much at times

maybe i don't really 'know' anyone..perhaps what i know of them is just what i want them to be..
the thought was scary and it did make me nervous..what if i am understanding it all wrong? what if its nothing like i see it to be?

the people whom i have grown to like..the ones i have learnt to respect..to understand..to relate to..
and then ofcourse there is you!!

what will i do if i wake up one fine day and figure out that the truth is entirely different from what i thought it to be?? what if someone i have grown to love, depend and most of all trust is actually someone very very different from what i have 'assumed'?

and more importantly, i cant seem to reason out where this early morning thought actually stemmed from..

To me betrayal of trust is an awfully terrible thing...but my worst nightmare would be one in which i realise (god forbid it ever happens) that i have been cheating myself!
for a brief period today, i actually felt the nervousness i would experience while living a part of that nightmare.

have you ever felt this way?
this deep mixture of confusion, fear and regret brewing within you...as if pulling you into an endless abyss deepening the void which you thought had been actually filling up on its own, and hence making you realise that it probably never was!
the feeling that noone--not even the one person who knew you best would or could EVER understand you enough..the gnawing fear that perhaps you do not know 'the one' well enough coupled with the dissatisfaction that perhaps its better off this way as things might not be as comfortable if you actually did?

its not like i have never felt misunderstood..i have...but this was different...this felt different..this felt as if it was here to stay--forever!

since when did i start expecting the world to understand? is it me? is is you or is it just 'too many expectations' again?

things changed and then changed again and then went back to how they changed the first time around..
i shifted for being comfortable to being uncomfortable and then back to being comfortable (this time pretty much the 'floyd' way)
but now when i hear this disturbing rustle suggesting something in my soul is stirring, there is this strong overwhelming urge which just refuses to go away, telling me to stop..right here!
there is something in me that is acting stubborn..something which is trying to resist any further change--either forward or back.
everytime i am tempted into stepping a bit further, there is this weird kinda vacuum which pulls me back--bringing me to a state of equilibrium from where its rather tough to understand what i actually want..

Could it be that half of me is aware of and disapointed with the bubble i am living in while the other half is quite comfortable with life this way?
its probably the former which manages to keep me awake till the wee hours of morning wrecking my head with a thousand questions..while the latter prefers to stay oblivious of our conversations and enjoy beauty sleep..while i toss and turn all night trying to come up with suitable and justifiable answers.
and it makes me wonder how the realist in me can be sucha killjoy!! and why in hell does she have to be the only one around when crisis strikes, wagging her finger at me and singing 'i told u so' in that obnoxiously irritating manner??

Frankly, i have always been the kinda person who gets into something only when i am totally convinced and when i am, i get into it hook line and sinker..to some this might seem a passionate approach towards life while some just call me impulsively crazy..all my decisions have been taken that way..when i do get about deciding something and am totally convinced with myself, i throw in my 100 percent not quite thinking about the consequences.
but the tough part is knowing what i really want or perhaps knowing what i always will in the same crazy passionate way!

they say "when u gotta decide something, flip a coin..it doesn't decide anything for you but when its in the air, you know what you really want"
i tried doing that today.................but seems like this heart of mine has turned out to be quite a coward--too afraid to hope for anything!

cryptic thoughts #3

its ironic how some statements can seem like a blessing or a curse when heard while living through two completely opposite phases of life...

'everything is just a dream' is one fine example!

one walk by the sea side...

disclaimer--the thought behind this piece of fiction just refused to leave my mind until i shaped it into words...no particular reason why..atleast not one i am aware of :)


you ask me if you can join me for a walk by the sea side and i politely decline the offer..its a bit too late!
As i walk alone watching the waves lashing against the rocks, the foot prints my feet make on the moist sand transport me back in time when a walk was all that was needed to make life simpler.....
one walk hand in hand and a lot of problems would have been sorted out if not solved...so many misunderstandings could have been cleared if not avoided...but you never had the time!

somewhere amidst the humdrum of your busy life, 'we' missed out on that simple 'walk' of life.
there were other things which had higher priority.

social gatherings...worldly matters...impressions to make and maintain...career issues..reputations to earn...the clinking of champagne glasses....hurried candle light dinners interrupted by important business calls...grand lunches to celebrate successful business ventures....

but what was missing was that walk on the beach..the couple of comfortable minutes of casual banter which could amount to a lot more than a lifetime of grand lunches, expensive gifts and celebrations.

you needn't have said anything..we could have let the breeze do the talking.
but what you failed to understand was how the sound of the waves could mean magic to me..how it could be so much sweeter than the bow-tied man you asked to play the violin, while you were busy attending a business call.

you failed to understand how building castles in the sand could make me much happier than seeing you try so hard to build us our real own castle instead.

you failed to understand how much i missed comparing your footprints with mine on the moist sand and how much i wished you would be missing it too.

you did not realise how simply sharing a simple icecream on the roadside would mean a lot more than the candle light dinner in a plush restaurant with your phone buzzing all the time.

too many problems which never got solved..
too many misunderstandings which never got cleared..

today, you have the time..but i have walked a bit too far.

today, you ask me what it was that was missing between us...
and all i have to say is that one walk by the sea side had all the answers!!

both sides now...

(this perfectly describes my state of mind..my state of being...my state of existence!!)

Rows and flows of angel hair,
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the Sun,
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow,
It's cloud illusions I recall,
I really don't know clouds, at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real.
I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show,
You leave 'em laughing when you go.
And if you care, don't let them know.
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
From give and take, and still somehow,
It's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love, at all.

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
To say I love you right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange.
They shake their heads; they say I've changed.
Well something's lost but something's gained,
In living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From win and lose and still somehow,
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life, at all.

I've looked at life from both sides now,
From up and down and still somehow,
It's life's illusions I recall.
I really don't know life, at all.

----Joni Mitchell

reading between the lines...

I CANNOT read between the lines.
the more you tell me to do that, the more unhappy i become.
the more unhappy i become, the more i wonder why.
the more i wonder why, the more i search for logic.
the more i search for logic, the more i hurt.
the more i hurt, the more i expect an explanation.
the more i expect an explanation, the more i realise how insecure i am.
the more i realise my insecurities, the more transparent i become
the more transparent i become, the more you see through the upset.
the more you think of me upset, the more you start blaming yourself.
the more you think you are responsible, the more distant you become.
the more distant you become, the more i doubt your feelings.
the more i doubt your feelings, the more i question my existence in your life.
the more i question my existence, the less i realise my worth.
the less i realise my worth the more miserable i become.
the more miserable i become, the more you tell me to read between the lines.

and then i notice the empty spaces...
the more i concentrate on the empty spaces, the more i see a blur.
the more i see a blur the more i wish you could be a little more clear.
the more i wish for a little more clarity, the more i express my doubt.
the more i express my doubt the more we move apart.

and the blame is on me again...
i just CANNOT read between the lines!!

a february birthday wish

there are some wishes which are yelled out...some penned down and mailed...

and there are a third silent kind----the ones which are forever moving in the air around you...filling it up with smiles and contentment....

so here's to you. idiot!

hope you are not just growing older but wiser too ;)


and even though it took me more than a fortnight to muster up the courage to put this deleted post up here again, i still hope you know that like every passing year, i was still the first one to wish you (be it only a whisper in my mind)...

i dont know if you still read my space but if you do then here's wishing you had a wonderful birthday and all the happiness you always wanted!

me--a figment of your imagination!!

sometimes i speak volumes but you understand nothing....
sometimes i speak nothing and yet you try...
you attempt to gauge me, to know me better each day...
sometimes you end up confusing yourself...
there are times you take for granted that you know too well...
but sometimes you just dont care to understand...
frustrated, you call me an enigma and i smile!

i speak so much but yet its not always clear...
there is a fact in every fantasy i write...
and a fantasy in every fact...
the thin line between the two, you try to see,
but burning eyes and a distorted picture is all u get...
you see a part of me in the broken hearted lass...
you see a lil of me in the juvenile rebel...
sometimes i appear to be all sorted out...
sometimes you think there could be no bigger mess...
you see a lil of me everywhere...
and still i leave you doubting--is it me or just ur imagination?
frustrated, you call me an enigma and i smile!

at times i dont answer ur questions...
sometimes i reply too vague...
confused, you think its a silent game...
you see me in the patient lover...
you see me in the broken addict...
you see the bubbly enthusiast in me...
you see the stubborn kid too...
at times you see the mature all knowing agony-aunt...
sometimes you think im a dreamer...
at other times, you wonder if i've given up on it...
each day you confuse yourself a lil more,
as i leave a part of me behind in every work of mine...
not knowing what to believe, you try to understand...
frustrated, you call me an enigma and i smile!

am i me or just a part of you?
this is a game which has no rules...
i am but just a vision and i keep changing...
you are the constant on which i depend...
do i exist or is it just ur imagination??
am i really me or just what you think of me?
frustrated, you call me an enigma and i smile!

the game will end someday when i grow tired...
the game will stop someday when you leave...
till then you will see me in every word of mine...
you will be skeptical of every line...
and i leave it to you to paint a picture of me...
you know that i am but an incomplete puzzle,
and yet you try to find the missing pieces...
those pieces which perhaps will never be found...
you stare at the voids in the picture,
hoping you will complete it some day...
frustrated, you call me an enigma and i smile!

(this piece was written by me a long time back..but for some reason i was compelled to dig it up and repost it)

...and it is indeed ironic that between yesterday and today, 'I'---the ever changing 'enigma' have hardly changed at all......
while 'you'---the constant on whom i depended, have almost quit searching for the missing pieces! :)

'another day in paradise'--Phill Collins

She calls out to the man on the street
"Sir, can you help me?
It's cold and I've nowhere to sleep
Is there somewhere you can tell me?"

He walks on, doesn't look back
He pretends he can't hear her
He starts to whistle as he crosses the street
She's embarrassed to be there

Oh, think twice, it's just another day for
For you and me in paradise
Oh, think twice, it's just another day
For you, you and me in paradise
Just think about it

She calls out to the man on the street
He can see she's been cryin'
She's got blisters on the soles of her feet
She can't walk but she's tryin'

Oh, just think twice, it's just another day
For you and me in paradise
Oh, yes think twice, it's just another day
For you, you and me in paradise
Just think about it, just think about it

Oh Lord, is there nothing more anybody can do?
Oh Lord, there must be something you can say

You can tell by the lines on her face
You can see that she's been there
Probably been moved on from every place
'Cause she didn't fit in there

Oh, yes think twice, it's just another day
For you and me in paradise
Oh, yes think twice, it's just another day
For you, you and me in paradise
Just think about it, just think about it

It's just another day
For you and me in paradise
It's just another day
For you and me in paradise

It's just another day
For you and me
It's another day
For you and me

It's another day
For you and me in paradise
In paradise


(lyrics of 'another day in paradise' by Phill Collins)

cryptic thoughts #2

As a kid, i remember playing "chinese whispers"...it was so much fun then!!
It was always so amusing to know how the whisper changed into something totally different and stupid by the time it reached the end player.

what i did not realise back then, was that 'chinese whispers' can be extremely irritating...............especially when it no longer remains just a game!

plastics

i see them everywhere...
sometimes smiling at my gain,
sometimes crying at my loss,
showing me what i 'want' to see,
when i know they dont feel a thing...
plastics!!

I smile to myself...
because little do they know,
that i have managed a peep to sneak,
into their world the truth to see,
when they thought i wasn't looking....
plastics!!

some pretending to be friends...
showering words of concern,
asking if i need them to be there,
telling me they are around,
knowing for sure they will never be...
plastics!!

but the world is so full of them...
and of this i am well aware,
for often ive peeped in a little too late,
to see them laughing at my loss,
and crying at my gain...
plastics!!