for the moment...

there are certain things which need to be expressed at that very instant when you want to...otherwise the moment just goes away and you dont feel like sharing it anymore..

happens a lot with me...

it is never deliberate...just that, some moments get lost when ignored and try as you might, you can never find them back!!

and the truth shall set u free...

i watch the busy street from across my balcony window and it reminds me so much of life..

a million thoughts are playing havoc in my head...

Have you ever felt life moving too fast? so fast that you cant figure out what exactly is happening??
so fast that everything seems almost like a blur, like a hazy vision which will just disappear if you try to reach it in an attempt to make it clearer.
have you ever felt comfortable in the mist overhanging your life?
have you ever felt safe in the dust covering the pages of each chapter written and every chapter yet to be written?
have you felt at peace with the inertia of the moment?

and how much longer does one continue with these conscious excuses to attain happiness out of resistance to the humdrum of life, from fear of losing the security in the normal routine pattern--however discomforting it may be??

the thoughts are still playing havoc in my head...


as i look into the distance, the traffic lights merge with the stillness of the night as if set out to blind me--the silent spectator--as if trying to say something..

i hear life speaking to me...
"you have no right to just stand and view me from a safe distance..sneak out of that safety blanket--step forward and take a closer look..you keep saying that i dont offer second chances dont u? but you are wrong--its me who might be the one needing a second chance and you, the adamant fool who isn't allowing me one"

and in that one fragile undisturbed moment, i realise the undeterred strength of a stubborn fact that can very well be the harshest yet greatest truth in the world...

and i guess its about time---life is waiting!!

the 'if i were...' tag!!

I got tagged with this one by a fellow blogger who also happens to have become a great friend..and since his blog is at present selectively available only to a limited audience, i am threatened not to disclose his bloglink in public (i can only hope he snaps out of the horrible delusions of persecution he is suffering from..sigh!!
please pray for his wellbeing and the wellbeing of his stalkers as well ;P )

neverthless, for the love of friendship and for the love of tags, im taking this one up right away..

so here goes, presenting before you all, "THE IF I WERE TAG" *drumrolls in the background*

If I were a color, I'd choose to be RED (the colour of passion...love..life!)

If I were a liquid, I'd choose to be THE ELIXIR OF LIFE

If I were a time, I'd choose to be TIME SPENT WITH THE PEOPLE I CHERISH

If I were a cellphone, I'd choose to be SWITCHED OFF (lol! go figure)

If I were a voice, I'd choose to be THE INNER VOICE--THE CONSCIENCE

If I were a bird, I'd choose to be A SEA GULL (flying across vast expanses of sea with the moon on my wings)

If I were a emotion, I'd choose to be NON EPHEMERAL HAPPINESS

If I were a music, I'd choose to be THE NOTES WHICH TOUCH THE SOUL

If I were a smile, I'd choose be ONE WHICH REACHES THE EYES

If I were water, I'd choose to be RAINDROPS FALLING ON THE WINDOWPANE

If I were an investor, I'd choose to be USING MY BRAINS TO INVEST RATHER THAN MY LUCK

If I were a stock, I'd choose to be THE ONE WHICH IS MOST UNPREDICTABLE..lol!

If I were a flower, I'd choose to be A ROSE (preferably red)

If i were a time of day, i'd choose to be DAWN

If I were an artist, I'd choose to be REDEFINING ART (through my passion for it)

If I were a subject, I'd choose to be HUMAN PSYCHOLOGY

If I were life, I'd choose to be MAKING SURE NOTHING EVER WENT WRONG

If i were to go missing from this world, i'd choose to be PAIN

If I were luck, I'd choose to be FAIR TO ALL

if i were a memory, i'd choose to be ONE WHICH NEVER LEAVES THE HEART

and now i pass on the honour to-
--scribbling girl
--jitsy
--santasizing fantasizing
--nidz
--raaji
--and last but not the least, anyone who wants to take this up..

cheers! :)

a wonderland moment...

Caterpillar: Who are YOU?
Alice: This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. I -- I hardly know, sir, just at present--at least..I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

(Excerpt from 'alice in wonderland')

pushed!!

i knock at your door once again, only to realise you have turned me into a stranger---i, who am now just supposed to stand at your door step...talk a while and leave before i freeze to death from the stabbing cold..

the chilly breeze outside has turned uncomfortably numbing but nothing can beat the winter in your voice..

as i turn away from your doorstep, the cold air of indifference stays with me, directing me slowly and steadily towards a different frame..
...a canvas full of pastel shades where i can feel the warmth of the sun shine over my shoulder...

with no excuse to give and no reason to rely on, i am feeling pushed--pushed away from one picture and pushed into another, ironically at the same time..by the same person..
with everything between us unsaid and undone, i know that soon enough the day will come when i too will choose to make peace with this change..

and for all it has cost us and for all it is worth, i can only hope that you and me are happy--atleast in the end!!

one tight slapppppp!

have you ever felt like slapping someone in the face--left right and centre??
i fought a strong urge to do so to a very irritating someone today..

times like these, how i wish i was invisible!! :(

afraid!

im not afraid of heights, im just afraid of the fall...
im not afraid of the turbulent waves, im just afraid of my capacity to resist them...
im not afraid of the silence, im just afraid of the void it keeps deepening...
im not afraid to trust, im just afraid of how irreparably damaged i would be if let down...
im not afraid to walk together, im just afraid you might disappear around the bend...
im not afraid to cry, im just afraid of the world laughing at my tears...
im not afraid to dream, im just afraid of having to wake up...
im not afraid to love, im just afraid of not being loved back...
im not afraid of darkness, im just afraid of what might be hiding...
im not afraid of confrontation, im just afraid of being misunderstood yet again...
im not afraid of hanging on, im just afraid of living a lie...
im not afraid of letting go, im just afraid of leaving a major part of me behind...

and so,
i stay away from heights...
i run away from signs of turbulence...
i try to befriend the silence...
i turn away from trust...
i attempt walking alone....
i strive to hide my tears...
i lock my dreams away...
i shield myself from love...
i dare not explore darkness...
i hesitate to confront...
i am reluctant to hang on...
i am unable to let go...

my fears might be misinterpreted but i admit i am afraid...and that still makes me a coward doesn't it??!!

cryptic thoughts #12

trying to hate the one you love is even more tougher than having to love the one you hate..

but sometimes life dares to demand such favours..probably because it knows that you are not equipped enough to slap it in the face and say no, however much you wish you could..

and i wonder--is misery the end result of a futile compromise or a bad choice??

love bite!!

it was just another boring day before we met..i was bored to death with the details of mundane life..
as i carelessly played with the food in my plate, i was hoping for some freshness in that crowded room which was beginning to make me feel claustrophobic..
people were yapping endlessly-the ones at my table too..and i was thinking of ways to act like i was listening...hoping they wouldn't see through my boredom..

and then suddenly you came along like a breath of fresh air...
i dont usually fall for looks..but there was something about you that was killing..
you were not conventionally great looking and i noticed that, but there was a sudden urge which made me stop and oggle take notice..

the next thing i remember was the waiter clearing my plate, while i gazed fondly at you, as you made your way to our table.
i was getting a bit conscious, i admit..trying hard to look down so that people around wouldnt notice the lust in my eyes.
but it was too late..i have never been great at hiding my feelings anyway!

the rest of the experience is best described as a blur of passion--a haze i would relive a hundred times over till it happens again..

ive often heard people speak about the spark in relationships..
i knew it was too soon to speak of relationships and stuff but there was chemistry..STRONG CHEMISTRY that any kid would be able to recognise, leave alone the rest of the people in that room!!

the pure unadulterated passion made my eyes twinkle...as i selfishly craved for all your attention, i admit i did get a little ultra-possessive too--a trait that i tend to exhibit in extra vulnerable moments wherein i care too much and then eventually feel all guilty on realising how freaky i had acted..
but strangely this time, it did not bother me---i knew you were mine...i knew you were made especially for me..or rather ONLY for me!

you made me forget all my worries..my troubles just melted away..i could hear my friends cribbing about me not finishing lunch..their voices sounded so distant--even though they were all sitting at the same table.
i could sense they were angry at me for wasting the food and not eating on time--but what's a little skipped meal when you have just found your soulmate innit??

as the clock ticked away, i found jealous eyes following me from all sides of the table...i could sense the situation get awkward.i knew my friends were feeling neglected..
they tried to interfere and take you away from me..but all in vain! i shamelessly ignored them..gave them the cold treatment..i did not want to share you with anyone..
and they would understand..afterall what are friends for??!!

and while they finally gave up and continued with their lunch, passing glances at us from time to time, i enjoyed my quality time with you, making silent promises of seeing you again as soon as possible..



AND IT WAS RIGHT THEN, IN THAT ROOM OF OVER A HUNDRED PEOPLE, THAT I REALISED THAT THIS WAS IT!!

THE PERFECT MOMENT!

IT WAS DEFINITELY LOVE....LOVE AT FIRST BITE!! *blush blush*

aal eez well!!

rain drops on my window pane...
a hot mug of freshly brewed coffee...
brian sila's playing in the background...
an early morning conference call with old friends...
hostel days and maggi memories...
switched off fans and drawn comforters...
thunderstorms and lightening flashes...
old photo albums and faded diary entries...
thankyou notes i will always treasure...
the parijaat tree in my backyard in full bloom...
fragrance of flowers intermingled with the scent of the earth...
roses pressed between dusty pages of an old book...
collected toffee wrappers and boarding passes...
caricatures which still make me laugh...
polaroid moments captured for eternity...
loads of love from the people who matter...

im on a trip around heaven...life feels good!! :)

cryptic thoughts #11

someone told me relationships should be like circles because a circle goes on forever...

but how do two people move ahead in a relationship if it is going to keep getting them back at the same starting point??

LIMCA--over the years!!

and even though i hate the drink, i just love the ad's!! :)

of reel and real love...

as much as i like the video for the candyfloss cuteness it brings along, i must admit that i find this song (which im sure is written by a man), terribly sexist!!
i mean why o why is this song telling only the girl to change (read 'prove her love') so much??

Show him that you care’ just for him.
Do the things that he likes to do.
Wear your hair just for him’ ’cause’
You won’t get him’ thinkin’ and prayin’’
Wishin’ and hopin’.

sorry boss! personally i'd choose to differ in this regard.
why should i do the things he likes to do and wear my hair the way he would like..
he should keep away from these areas and i think we should manage just fine..but he cannot expect to wrap me around his finger in exchange of a wedding ring around mine..

i'd rather be single and happy than have a sexist husband who will keep telling me how to dress and what to do.

ok enough said in favour of women's lib, let me proceed to explain why i disagree with the song in the first place---
see its like this--i agree that wishing and hoping and thinking and praying wont get you into his heart, but neither is holding and kissing and squeezing and caring if you arn't there to begin with..

if you keep doing the things he likes to do and start dressing and even wearing your hair only to please him, just to get a wedding ring around your finger, then there are chances that married or not, you may end up losing your identity along with your mind in due course of time!

so my advice to all the girls out there would be--
just be yourself!!
you dont need to 'show' him that you care..that will be obviously evident if you do..and neither do you need to do anything uncomfortable just to prove how much you love him.
because only if he loves the 'you' that you love, it would mean he truly loves you.
and if he truly loves you, nothing in the world is going to stop him from pushing the ring around your finger..
but if he doesn't, then nothing in the world is going to make him do it--no amount of dreaming and wishing and hoping or hugging and kissing and holding...

love finds its own way to the future without you having to try!

sidenote: i have a feeling that most guys around here are going to hate me for this post ;p

a shadow in silence...

he: i'd always be your shadow..so that you dont forget that there is light just around the corner..

she: a shadow is too subtle a hint of hope sometimes..i need some very bright flashlights to suggest that its not all dark out there..lol!


he: but then i would have to hold the torch for you..and you have forbidden me from doing that.

she: !!!!

he: haha..what happened??

she: nothing!

he: i was kidding dodo..you dont need to worry..being a shadow is anytime better..that way i can stalk you all the time and make sure everything is going right.

she: like you have been doing for nine years now?

he: sorry! no comments--a shadow cannot promise answers to your questions.

and somehow he always leaves her speechless because she knows that when a best friend becomes a shadow, even silence manages to speak volumes...

cryptic thoughts #10

they say inebriation introduces some people to a happier new world...but for some, all it manages to do is show them fleeting glimpses of a priceless old world they no longer can be a part of!!

...and the latter makes me wonder--which hangover is actually tougher to handle...

yooohoooo!!!!!!

i have just received the greatest news in the whole wide world!!
one of my closest friends delivered a beautiful baby girl and GUESS WHAAAAT!!???
SHE IS NAMING HER 'PRIYANKAAA' *drum rolls in the background*

reason--both she and her husband decided to do so because they wish their daughter to grow up and become just like me (err..atleast that is what they said..ahem!)
this was followed by a long list of compliments and praises which left me speechless..and im still on cloud 9!!!!

:D :D :D :D :D :D

wishing the little princess lots of happiness, love and success in life..and loads of blessings too

P.S: life sure is unpredictable!! sometimes it gives you the worst of days in a single row and when you are all frustrated and fed up, it suddenly springs a small surprise along your way that makes your heart glow with joy and forget all the crap you have been going through.

thankyou naina and rohit..you made my day..i love you guys!!

P.S: will try and post a pic of the little angel soon..
ohh and yea i take back my words--the angry ones i muttered in my last post..i am not changing into anyone else.thankyou very much!
afterall ive got expectations to live up to now--with such a sweet angel being named after me et al! ;)

untitled

nobody wants to hear the truth...atleast not until they hit rock bottom.

but sometimes a truth wrapped in a layer of hope, told just to lessen the hurt causes much more damage..

and despite the genuine intention behind it all, the blame game is on---im accused of giving false hope, conveniently forgetting that somewhere between a tear stained 'please say everything will be fine' and a ruthlessly rude 'how the f**k could you say everything will be fine?' a thin line of hope was the only thing they were banking on.

oh yea, how could i forget---
doctors arn't supposed to have hearts..
we are supposed to be strong heartless people who are drilled enough by life to take all type of shit--even when it isn't our fault..
we are never supposed to mix up our professional life with our personal life and vice versa..
and i thought society was mature enough to consider us humans?? my mistake...

but this did sort of help in making a conscious decision--
perhaps its time i stopped being nice to people...because its always me who is scarred in the end.
maybe i should stop being what i am and start being someone who nobody would bother to hold any expectations for..


call me selfish--perhaps that is what i am...because frankly, this is all i can take!

maybe, just maybe...

life is packed in sepia tinted boxes...and the moving van is at the door!

we always saw this coming--you and me..
yet today, i feel a strange pull tugging at my heartstrings as i wait for you to return--my silly heart wishfully thinking that perhaps you would ask me to stay...

maybe, just maybe...
you would snatch the suitcase from my hand and tell me that i do not have the right to leave like that...
maybe, just maybe...
you would promise that things would change..that you would care just a little more..keep aside a little of your time exclusively for me...
maybe, just maybe...
you would tell me how much i mean to you and that it would make a difference if i stayed and gave everything another chance..
maybe, just maybe...
you would tell me that i do not have any right to pack up 'our' memories in those boxes and take them with me, because you have a right on each and every one of them too...
maybe, just maybe...
you would yell at me and tell me that i cannot take these decisions all by myself...
maybe, just maybe...
you would send away the moving van with the warning that you never want it to be seen anywhere around our world again....
maybe, just maybe...
it would all matter to you...
maybe, just maybe...
you would tell me it did....

life is packed in sepia tinted boxes...and the moving van is at the door...

im all set to leave but i wait for you to get back...all because those maybe's in my mind yearn to come true.
you enter through the front door with a blank look on your face--as if unaware of what is happening.

maybe, just maybe...

i tell you i am leaving, wishing and hoping all the time for you to stop me from leaving..yell at me for trying to run away like that.

maybe, just maybe...

you are taken aback at first.
but the very next instance, the warmth in your eyes is replaced by a cold stare 'if that is what you want, so be it..your happiness is all that matters to me' you say..

i look at you and smile, knowing that it would be the last thing i'd ever want..all i want is that one maybe which i now know for sure, isn't coming true.

you fail to see the tears in my eyes..you fail to see the hurt in my voice..just like you fail to see how much i love you.

you think i want to be happy..happy without you..and all i can do is smile at the irony.
there are no maybe's in my mind now...its asif they have all shyed away from confronting that one strong statement you have made without hesitation..its clear that you dont understand me..

and it makes me wonder if you ever did...
'you stay happy too' is all i can muster up at that moment..a thousand maybe's have been brutally crushed and im left fumbling for words..

life is packed in sepia tinted boxes...and the moving van is at the door!

as i carry all the boxes one by one to the waiting van, i notice a tear drop roll down your cheek..

and my silly heart is back to it again---maybe, just maybe...you do understand!

an alternative ending...

fairytales do not last forever,
but memories always do...
and perhaps somewhere that is making sure,
i get my 'happily ever after' with you!!


yet, a selfish fleeting moment makes me wonder---would you allow me, as permanent a place in your memories as you have, in mine?? :)

cryptic thoughts #9

i have just realised that the reason i couldn't complete the jigsaw all along was not because it had some missing pieces but because there were a few pieces of another totally different puzzle thrown in the same box.

ive got it sorted now...well, almost! :)