cryptic thoughts #15

I gaze at the jewel studded night sky and my longing gaze reminds me that its time i demarcate my boundaries yet again--there are some frontiers that even dreams are not capable of crossing.

"perhaps in another world...." i console myself.

the stars peep through the blue blanket and tease me playfully knowing that i can never reach them.
the moon like always, is singing a melancholic lullaby of how it yearns to tell my story to the world and yet is helplessly bound by the silent promise he has made to me..
and i lie awake in my bed, thinking what it would be like for the soul to fly across that huge expanse into the arms of freedom--where it truly belongs.

i am sinking..slowly..into an unknown land..waiting to hold on to that extended hand..

"just a little longer" says a voice i can barely recognise.i close my eyes refusing to wake up, afraid of losing sight of that wonderful reality where i know i belong and yearn to go back to.

but even with my eyes tightly shut, i cannot capture that ephemeral world long enough to stay in it..the beautiful vision fades away and im forced to open my eyes once again, to this harsh life of illusions..

and i realise the wait has not yet ended..its still not time for me to leave!

they tell me that the sky is my limit...
but how high can one really fly with clipped wings??

honth ghumao..seethi bajao---howwwww??!!!!

It is so intimidating when you are not able to do a simple thing the whole damn world can...

the deep sense of unfulfillment that you are haunted by, nothing can ever make up for it.
and then the myriad attempts to attain it and then the realisation that perhaps you are just not cut out for it...that no matter how much you try, failure is all you would encounter.

i guess my parents are to blame--when kids my age stuck their fingers in their mouth and blew hard making those shrill noises, my mom had been busy showing signs of disgust at their behaviour.
this, my poor brain picked up as something that mommy dearest thought as totally mannerless and hence socially not acceptable..which ofcourse is natural at that tender age, since we tend to believe that moms are always right--more because they keep telling you they are..sigh! (my mom however hasn't changed much in that respect but that anyways is another story)
being convent educated just made things worse.they taught us to say 'hail mary' and do the 'sign of the cross' and they made us attend mass and taught us quotes and verses from the bible and and somewhere in between all those morning assemblies and thoughts-for-the-day's, i started believing 'thou shall not whistle' to be one of the commandments (none of my catholic friends told me it wasnt..hmpf!) and that it would be a sin to disobey it..
and ofcourse good ol convent educated girls should not whistle--that was the norm...it was just not lady like--so they said! *yawn*

but then wishes die hard..you know how it is goes--the case of the forbidden fruit et all. (well, nobody had forbidden me from it per se..but i liked to imagine they had--i used my imagination for kicks back then)
i would still sigh when i saw someone whistle to call a cab or entertain a bored toddler..how i wished i could do that!

teenage years were a proud phase to be in..but i cannot deny the small pangs of jealousy for even the most 'vella' college romeos who flunked their subjects every year and bunked classes..everytime they would whistle some random bollywood number in the corridors, the ugly green monster inside my head kept screaming "SEE!! you good for nothing nut..even THEY can do it!!"

but even my battered self esteem and bruised ego did not manage to kill my fascination for the esteemed talent.
being a girl, i was kept being consoled that it was okay not to know hot to whistle..because it wasn't lady like anyway yada yada yada...but who cared??!
what was this big deal about being all lady like anyway?

my brain had already registered it as target and i had to prove the ego trampling voices in my head wrong.
and god was just not being fair---it wasnt like i planned to misuse the talent or something.
it would just be reserved for special occasiions like say--an ultra hot dude walking your way or perhaps an amazing designer outfit at a shopping arcade, the kind which just draws your breath away when you see the price tag until you can hold it no more without letting a small whistle escape your lips..sigh!

BUT ALAS!! :(
as i was dreaming, i realised that i probably would never be able to do all this in reality...damn!!
i became the butt of all jokes..i the cursed one--the one who couldn't whistle!
i tried learning. practiced sticking out my tongue, rolling it in back again, sticking in two fingers and blowing hard...to the extent that my dad once thought i was choking on my food and was all set to call up the doctor..that was when i had to confess my shortcoming to my family.
my family has never been cooperative though--esp my sis..instead of sympathizing with me, all she did was laugh hysterically at my earnest attempts.

but no amount of mockery could set me off my goal..i learnt to deal with that too.afterall what's a little family ridicule to interfere with the pursuit of my dream??
i wouldn't give up.i changed timings..hours of practice begun early mornings now.
i would wake up, brush my teeth and start my 'rhiaaz' every morning..i put in 100% dedication (i think i haven't put in so much effort even while studying in med school)
but i couldn't get anything more than a muffled whimper along with loads of wasted energy.

this went on for years..im not a quitter no..atleast not one who quits easily!
its a different thing that i still cant whistle but i have overcome the flying saliva and the facial distortions to a great degree. *goes red with embarassment*

but atleast now that yours truly is old and grey (*insert an hysterical bout of coughing to prove that point*) she can come up with better excuses and say its just not lady like to make such shrill noises in public.
i mean cmon have you ever seen a lady whistle..huh? huh??

just imagine..what would i have done if i was a guy?? i mean JUST IMAGINE!!!
with all due respect to the guys who do not know how to whistle, i would seriously have died out of shame..so there, im still better off aint i? *clings to the silver lining of the dark cloud*
i dont think i have ever in my life been happier being a woman..phew!

but you know how it is about self consolation..it doesn't last long..and everyone eventually does notice my grief stricken face reflecting my saddened spirit which has still not been able to let go of my inadequacy.
but its okay i guess..who said life is fair anyway?
afterall im just a mere human who has got to accept her shortcomings and move on in life, knowing that she will have to hit the grave with one major regret--that she never really could learn how to whistle! *sad music in the background please*

on that sad and wistful note,
im outta here!

cryptic thoughts #14

have you noticed that i hardly ever use fullstops??
its mostly always those three little dots after every sentence...

maybe its because subconsciously somewhere, i leave scope for continuity even when there is none...
somewhere within me, there is this faint voice which nudges me to think that something somewhere is incomplete..that there is a lot more that needs to be said before things are put to an end..
perhaps it signifies something unfinished...something which lingers on even after everything seems to have been said and done..

its not a good habit, they tell me...

Maybe they are right--i need to learn to use fullstops.

cryptic thoughts #13

...and today's cryptic thought was one which bounced in and out of my tired mind, so much so that it still remains as cryptic to me as it would be to you-who does not know of it...

sometimes all the words in the world are not enough!

ARBIT

Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.

-----A.E. HOUSMAN

this one really got me grinning :D :D
i think its true, there is a strange satisfaction about not being in love--the satisfaction of not wanting to be perfect anymore!!

a compromise with trust...

lies--its funny how he keeps holding on to them...
sometimes she wonders if he has forgotten what she had told him right at the beginning...that all she wanted was the truth...that all she expected from him was to never lie to her...that betrayal of trust was the only thing that could shatter her completely and break her off from him forever..

he knows how much she hated lies...he knows how much she still does!
and yet, there is something which makes him hang on to them..

chances---chances are all she keeps offering...
every lie he speaks, she smiles to herself with a tinge of sadness in her heart..'
sometimes it makes her wonder if he could be challenging her intelligence--because now he has even stopped weaving them well..
they are more of a casual yarn thrown in her face, loose at ends, torn at the seams...
and that makes her wonder what kinda fool he must be thinking her to be---a fool in love?

at times, she is afraid that she might get used to this game he is playing..this game of make believe.
she is afraid of getting so used to these lies--she fears that perhapss she wouldn't know how to handle tht truth when it comes from him..
"and frankly is it not a lie inturn when i pretend not to see through them?" she asks herself..
it is this truth that keeps her awake at night, staring at the ceiling wondering where exactly they have reached...
why is she accepting something she hates so much---just because it is now a part of him--the man she loves?

she often reasones with herself in futility that these are small little things that she is overreacting about--maybe betrayal is too huge a word for these little white lies that he keeps coming up with..
but the fact that this might be just the beginning gnaws at her mind and manages to steal whatever little peace there is remaining..

he probably realises the pain in her eyes everytime she asks him for explanations..
but what he has never realised is that everytime he thinks she believes him, it is just another chance to make things right..
a chance to start over new...
a chance he doesnt take--as he continues to defend himself with another lie that she manages to see right through and yet pretends not to---just as always...

"why??!!"
she asks herself..because she does not have the heart to ask him this..

"you think i believe you.have blind faith in you..well, i used to!!" she mumbles to herself as she feels a sense of numbness sweep over her..

she is tired now..tired of playing the fool hoping that someday he would feel guilty and come up with the truth..that someday he would fall out of love with this game of deception that she has decided to let him play thinking he would outgrow it on his own someday..

perhaps that someday, he would realise that she knew...always knew!!

the 'reverse countdown top 10' tag...

i have been tagged by a wonderful blogger me-era* with this meme that has been circulating around blogsville..
and though i initially freaked out on seeing its length, i decided to take it up as a challenge to my mentally exhausted brain cells..
so here goes:
WARNING---LONNNNNGGGG POST AHEAD!!

ten how's

1. How did you get one of your scars?
err..i fell from a swing when i was 9 which gifted me this small yet mean looking scar on my left leg just below the knee..

2. How did you celebrate your last birthday?
with family and close friends--just the way i like it..

3. How are you feeling at this moment?
low on patience and a little sleepy..

4. How did your night go last night?
well initially had a tough time falling asleep but then once in sleepyland, didn't wake up until morning..

5. How did you do in high school?
i always topped in academics and sucked at PE----life's stupid way of striking a balance i guess! :-/

6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing?
i shopped for it..but on reaching home, everybody hated it and started passing rude remarks about my choice..so decided to wear it at home--i stiil think its not all that bad actually!

7. How often do you see your best friend(s)?
varies from best friend to best friend...from as often as 'every alternate day' to as weird as 'never met'!!

8. How much money did you spend last month?
err..not all that much..i didn't keep track actually..but it was within budget! *points to the halo over her head*

9. How old do you want to be when you get married?
mmmm..why is everybody from family to friends asking me this same question in varying degrees of frustration and sarcasm??! :(

leave me alone i say!! *quickgun murugun ishtyle*


10. How old will you be at your next birthday?
18 till i die!! ;) [and you thought i would answer this straight??..hah!!
naah--not when i just had my birthday last month--wish me next year and i will consider telling ya *scowl*]

Nine what’s:

1. Your mothers name?
*gets all suspicious* why would you want to know??
im keeping a low profile..wouldn't want you to track me down by digging through my family tree..

2. What did you do last weekend?
i know you think know i have an amazing memory *feeling all flattered*
but i did a lot of things none of which now seem unique enough to remember.

3. What is the most important part of your life?
every part of my life is important in its own special way..

4. What would you rather be doing?
if i'd rather be doing something, i think i'd go ahead and do it or atleast try to do it..

5. What did you last cry over?
"life is beautiful" (watched it a coupla days back and loved it to bits!)

6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
music/sleep/shopping/writing not necessarily in that order...

7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
heyyy not fair! when am i supposed to speak about my super criteria-list then?? :-/

8. What are you worried about?
hmm...things that i know are not in my control...

9. What did you have for breakfast?
cream crackers with fresh fruit no-sugar-no-preservatives jam...


Eight you’s:

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
umm...if celebrities count, then yes!

2. Have you ever had your heart broken?
well, it sure felt like it was being snapped in two..havent checked on it lately though!

3. Have you ever been out of the country?
yeps

4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
ohh a lotta times..i have my blonde moments..sigh!

5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
yes and it did leave a gaping gash for a long time after..

6. Have you ever had sex on the beach?
if you only mean the mocktail, then yes!

7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
nope

8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
ofcourse..a lot of times

Seven who’s:

1. Who was the last person you saw?
my sister--the hellraiser in my life asking me to return a book i had borrowed from her ages ago and of which i apparently have no memory of :-/

2. Who was the last person you texted?
a friend..

3. Who was the last person you hung out with?
went shopping with sis

4. Who was the last person to call you?
duh! a friend...

5. Who did you last hug?
my sis--in an attempt to make her forget about the book..but all in vain! :(

6. Who is the last person who texted you?
sigh! a friend...

7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to?
sis--another attempt of emotional blackmail which failed!

(its a bit amusing how all the answers in this section revolved around my sis and a friend) :p

Six where’s:

1. Where does your best friend(s) live?
cliched as it may sound, in my heart! *beatles singing "with a little help from my friends" in the backdrop*
what is life without a little drama i say?! no?

2. Where did you last go?
duh! to the kitchen to get myself coffee *ask a stupid question get a stupid answer*

3. Where did you last hang out?
at CCD--for a meetup with a few old friends!

4. Where did you go to school?
Presentation Convent High School
Smt Parvatibai Chowgule College
Goa Medical College

hah! ive got perfect records..go check!! *beams with pride*

5. Where is your favorite place to be?

quoting lines from one of my fav songs--
"Din Ne Haath Thaam Kar Idhar Bithaliya
Raat Ne Ishaare Se Udhar Bulahliya
Subah se Shaam Se Mera Dostana
Musafir Hoon Yaaron Na Ghar Hai Na Tikhana,
mujhe bas chalte jaana hain" :)

so, no favorites..each place has got its own special memories..

6. Where did you sleep last night?
duh! my bedroom..


Five do’s:

1. Do you think anyone likes you?
yea sure..im likeable aint i? *asks at gun point* :-/

2. Do you ever wish you were someone else?
yea a lotta times..but then always decided against it the very next moment..i like myself too much i guess!

3. Do you know the muffin man?
huh??

4. Does the future scare you?
sometimes!

5. Do your parents know about your blog?
yeps..but they never bother to read it! :-/

Four why’s:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend?
seriously!! what kinda crazy question is this?? who created this tag?!! *loads a rifle and searches all around her*

2. Why did you get into Blogging?
it started off as just a window to my life-my opinion on things and a channel to the small little creative streak i had in me..dint know it would get so far..
writing had always been a passion...though now it has turned into more of an addiction!
but im not complaining :)

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have?
yayyyyyy! i get to tell a storrryyyy...hang on will ya? let me copy paste the link..

tadaaaaaa!! read here
check the answer to the first question in the above link for details..*rubs her hands with glee and waits for reaction*

4. Why are you doing this survey?
because i have great respect for tags and consider it my humble duty to pay regard to them! *bows in gratitude*


Three if’s:

1. If you could have one super power what would it be?
the ability to read minds..
(i know i know it could be pretty depressing at times..but what the heck--il'l adjust!)

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
just ONE thing?? :(
i would either start all over or change nothing at all!

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring?
not fair!! isn't this supposed to be WHOM??
ok what-e-ver! i would take my ipod and needless to mention demand an unlimited access to charging its batteries..
*cmon you not allowing me to take my fav person, toh utna toh banta hain, boss!!*

who would-you-ever’s:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
not applicable

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
*fires the rifle in the air like a crazy maniac*
where in the world is the person who created this tag, hiding??!!!!

One last question:

1. Are you happy with your life right now?
ummmm...million dollar question!
and something i cant literally afford to answer--since i dont have a million dollars to give in exchange (i dont like accepting things for free, ya know)
so with deep regret, i have to decline the question--for all its worth! ;)

phew!!
ok..all said and done, i must say i am feeling extremely proud to have completed this herculean task of tag execution..

and i would be lying if i said, i dint enjoy it..
as for you, congratulations if you have made it till the end without dozing off in between..ahem! :-/

ohh and by the by, the person who created this tag can come out of hiding..i think i have become all forgiving and patient (all thanks to the tag) and decided to let him/her stay alive *puts the rifle away and adjusts the halo over her head*

live and let live!!

currently hooked to...

i heard this one just yesterday and it has been playing on my mind since then...


until we meet again! :)

sidenote i take this oppurtunity to bring to your notice a joint blog "the musical called life" wherein i along with a few of my friends post in our favs...
hope you enjoy it too!!

sleep over it...

there is no pain in this world that cannot be reduced by sleep---be it the pain caused by boring college lectures, menstrual cramps, a heavy days work, crazy moodswings or even the toughest heartbreaks...

sleeping pills might be overrated...but sleep is definitely not!!!

greetings from the blog-diva....ahem!

RAA

RAPAAT

RAAPCHIK

RAAPCHUNDAS

BHAPKAAA!!!!!!!

*regains composure and now gets slightly embarrassed at her behaviour*

dont look at me like that...i have been trying to reason with my heart to be all mature and lady like..but it just plain refused and did that 'raa-rapaat-raapchik...' thing..

as they say, dil toh baccha hain jee :p

i tried telling it that the title may be snatched away tomorrow itsself when someone decides to work on a whim, get all sadistic and remove their name off from here..sigh!
but the idiotic little enthusiast that it is, covinced me tht i should enjoy the MOMENT and not worry because even if it doesnt last, celebrating it just means that it existed and was acknowledged!!

so now we reveal the secret--the discovery we have just made and are refusing to get over--
*drumrolls and rainbow confetti in the background*

100 FOLLOWERS TO 'NOSTALGIC MOMENTS'

now--just-how--cool-is-that??!! moi is flattered!! :D :D

i dedicate this song to my blog and all those who follow it---


so here's a big thankyou to all of you---even the silent ones who dont always voice their opinion but are with me no less--raise your champaigne glasses please!
*throws kisses in the air..takes a bow...and walks off grinning gracefully into the sunset*

a tiny truth which goes ignored...

you ask me how i cannot hate you despite feeling hurt all the time,
and i wonder if its because of the bit of myself i see in you...

he asks me how i cannot love him despite him caring so much,
and i wonder if its because of the bit of myself i see in him...

every single person in our life, in bits and fragments, is a reflection of our own self...of what we like in ourselves and of what we dont..of what we accept in ourselves and of what we cant...
and that is a truth which if not reasoned with, can save us a whole lot of anger and resentment for people we tend to get biased against.

love and peace to all!

of football and the astro gurus...

first it was paul the psychic octopus....

then it was mani the parrot....

and now its pino the chimp...


i wonder what is next....
slippu the snake??
croaku the frog??
yucku the cockroach??
dino the dinosaur?? (ok! my imagination got a bit overboard here)

hmmm...any of your pets affected by the football fever??
please dont take it lightly...kindly RECOGNISE their talent...it might just earn you them their five minutes of fame!! ;)

signs--do they exist??

do you believe in signs?

the small signals which subtly hint whether things are to be or not to be...
the ones we tend to ignore deliberately at times even if they are right there--staring at us...
the ones everyone around you can so clearly see and yet seem all blurred to you...
the ones which you know will invite a hundred wagging fingers and i-told-you-so's in the end...
the ones which constantly play and replay on your mind sometimes just freezing everything around you...
the ones you know you should acknowledge and yet ignore...

im not talking about gut instinct here..im just talking about signs..

are you afraid of missing them?
do you dread what could happen if you ignore them?

and then, how do we know they are actually signs?
couldn't a sign warning you of failure, be just something your heart fears?
couldn't a sign hinting of happiness, be just something your heart desires?
what if we are interpreting them all wrong?
there is no handbook explaining how they should be interpreted, is there?
so isn't it finally just a game of guts and instincts---of trust and faith?

and then the more important question--how much do you trust your faith?

do you believe in signs?

kuch purane kisse...

thought i'd try my hand at hindi poetry for a change :)

kuch purane kisse aksar yaad aa jate hain,
chupke se aaj bhi iss dil ko behlate hain...

woh bachpan mein suni pariyon ki kahani,
sapno ke mahelo ke raja aur rani...
baarish mein kagaz ki kashti banana,
daravne kisso se doston ko darana...
woh nani se chhupkar imli churana,
pakde jaane per unki woh daant khana...
na koi chinta thi na koi fikra,
na pyaar ka 'tension' na mohabbat ka zikra...
apne aap mein kitne mast raha karte the,
sirf ek bhooton ke alawa kisi se nahi darte the...
id, diwali christmas manate the sab ek saath,
ab yaad aati hain bachpan ki har ek woh baat...

na jaane kho gayi hain kahan--woh jadooi umra suhani,
anjaani si iss bheed mein mit gayi woh bachpan ki kahani...
aaj reh gayi hain baaki sirf kuch masoom parchaiyan,
per haule se yunhi muskura deti hain unki halki nishaniyan..

kuch purane kisse aksar yaad aa jate hain,
chupke se aaj bhi iss dil ko behlate hain...


and yet somewhere deep within each one of us, there is that innocent kid---still trying to come to terms with growing up!

ek din humare naam...

there are those days when i feel maybe i chose the wrong profession....

but every once in a while, there is some person/situation/thought reminding me, that i would probably have hated it any other way!!

hmm...maybe they should celebrate 'doctors' day a bit more often ;)