unhinged thoughts...

rainbows??
i have stopped walking on rainbows...how can one depend on something that changes with the weather??
i dont like changes...
especially the changes which haunt you all the time..they make me uneasy..
its like enjoying something knowing that it will disappear soon enough..
how do you manage to enjoy something like that? how can you not be afraid of getting too attached?
do we have control over our emotions?
then how do you walk on the rainbow...knowing that it will disappear when it rains and leave you hanging midway?

i'd rather tread on sunshine..
i'd rather befriend the night...
they are much more constant...you know when they are going to come and when they are supposed to leave..
and you know that they are going to be back to greet you after the decided hours of separation.
they never let you down..they are constant..fixed..predestined!!

but im not exactly comfortable with everything being predestined either, am i??

rainbows make me jittery.
people tell me that walking on them is fun..they make you feel very happy..happy from within..and then sometimes, if you are lucky, you might even reach the pot of gold at the end.
luck...funny word!!
that changes too doesn't it?

why do all things have to change?
why does everything that makes you happy follow the norm of change!?
colours change...
smiles change..
reasons change...
people change...
emotions, feelings, friendships, love..everything..everything changes!!

memories never change...i like memories!
they are wonderful and they never change...
the past is over..it is not capable of change..is that why, i keep reminiscing over it?
is that what makes nostalgia feel so dear--because memories never change?
they stay exactly how they were--intact..precious!!
the montage of memories keeps building up but never changes.
they keep getting better with time--older and better..they are exceptions to the rule of change...
i like exceptions!!

destiny??
probably that doesn't change too..or does it?
we'd never know for sure anyway would we?!!
why do we keep fighting it then?
maybe im destined to live with the constants and run away from the variables while im still ahead...while they still haven't changed to something unimaginable which i've gotten to know they have the potential of changing into..
but wouldn't the variable think i've changed then??
I--the constant who ran away...
perhaps!!

so then what does that really make me?
a constant to a constant..and a variable to a variable?
a selfish soul who is afraid of getting hurt by change she wouldn't be able to handle or just a human using her skills of self defence at the first warning of change?
are you confused?
afraid you would never be able to figure me out?
feel like i am not making any sense??
perhaps!!

i talk in riddles..
my words are cryptic at times...
so are my thoughts--they dont always mean what you make out of them..
at times, i want you to figure me out and yet sometimes im happy you haven't..
perhaps, that is my way of knowing the keepers from the quitters..the constants from the variables..of understanding who will stay till the end...of realising when to leave before im left...

ends?
everything eventually ends...
sometimes it happens gradually and you dont even realise when...
some things are made to end...some final blows have to be accepted no matter how hard they hurt..
some ends are a relief..
some are new beginnings..
and some..some are just what they seem to make us feel---inevitable-dead--ends!!


stop?
yeah i need to stop..
this post needs to stop..
but these thoughts??
they do not...the mind has no rest..
some thoughts just refuse to leave!

and im sure you, who are still trying to make sense out of this string of thoughts are already muttering the who-has-the-time-to-figure-her-out?-as-if-i-care! monologue..

but that exactly my dear, is where you might have missed the point!! :)