once again!!

Like every morning, i open my eyes,
wishing perhaps you'd think of me...
maybe you'd try to break the silence,
the one that has crept between us...
i search my cell for a text from you
scan the missed call list with bated breath...
hoping that perhaps the nightmare has ended,
and you would think of me, once again!!

as time flies by, the day goes on,
but in my mind, a thought lingers,
that perhaps you'd call to speak to me...
one more check of the missed call list,
i see unopened messages and unanswered calls,
as i check frantically who they are from,
my eyes search for that one familiar number
which seems to be intact in my rusted mind...
hoping perhaps the search would end,
and you would think of me, once again!!

evening comes and no call from you...
not a single text nor mail...
the silence prevails, no words exchanged...
a smile plays on my face as i think of you...
you who i haven't heard from in ages...
you who couldn't care less of me...
you who i still hope to hear from, once again!!

i set the 'snooze' and close my eyes...
in the hope of a new beginning...
a new morning wherein i'd wake up,
stretch my arms and greet the sun,
reach for my cell as part of routine,
and
perhaps just perhaps,
i'd find your text waiting for me...
and everything would be perfect, once again!!

of locked doors & lessons they teach...

Very often in life, you are so busy banging on closed doors, for someone to hear you and let you out, that you sometimes tend to forget the fact that the door is locked from the inside and not from the outside.

People passing by would hear your voice..some would realise what you are doing, snigger at your foolishness and walk away with a joke to recite to their peers.

Then there are those who would watch you from the window & wait till you come up with a solution, a realisation, all by yourself, paying a deaf ear to your cries.
These are the shrewd ones...the selfish ones who want to learn from you, who would wait and watch so that they have a solution, tailor made for themselves--if they are to ever get caught in a similar situation.

Well, ofcourse there would be some who would emphatise with your plight, try attempting to open the locked door, not realising that it opens only inwards (yea, they are too busy feeling your pain to notice, just like you).
but it wont be too long before they too walk away feeling frustrated at their failure to help.

So in the end, its all a waste.
In the end, you would have to deal with it yourself.

So stop being the joke for those who wont stop for you.
Stop expecting help from those at the window.
Stop hoping that those pushing the door from outside would be patient & strong enough to break it down..

Start searching for your own answers---the one's hiding deep within you.
Confront your own insecurities----the one's you have always known and feared.
Accept your own limitations---the one's which you have always tried to ignore.

and last but not the least, gather all your courage and put up a brave fight!!

...because some locked doors open only from the inside...

cryptic thoughts #27

Sometimes in life, seeing what you believe makes much better sense than believing what you see...
but however much we try & cling to the delusion/assumption/belief or whatever we might like to call it, the truth remains...strong, victorious and right in the face!

Facts will always remain facts!!

the bridge across forever

They say its a small world and people when part, tend to meet each other again, at some point or the other...

I disagree---the world is a limitless expanse and if you actually intend to stay away from someone, its very certain that your paths will never cross.

Memories are an entirely different issue though.

You close the door to your mind..afraid that someone who once mattered, might just enter without permission, yet again.
You play a different record--the music of your life--one which is very distracting..
You turn the volume on loud--block out all your thoughts--perhaps in a futile attempt to drown the pain you are running away from.

and yet, some memory from long ago seeps through some dark crevice of the mind, sweeping you away in a different world---where time stands still.

...a world, where paths cross and decisions shatter!!

suspicious minds

you ask me who im speaking to,
who im meeting with & when,
who gifted those flowers on my way home,
what made me stay till ten...

you ask me who dropped me off,
as i walk in through the door,
why there was laughter in my voice,
when you called me up at four...

you ask me where im going,
and when im coming back...
every single detail,
as if to keep a track...

you check my texts and call logs,
and you think i don't know this...
i wonder what our love has lacked,
for the trust to go amiss...

why is there so much conflict?
why are you so filled with doubt?
where's the love you claimed would stay?
why then are we falling out?

i guess its more than crystal clear,
we cannot go on, this way...
no future on weak foundation stands,
lets burn this bridge today...

but before we go our separate ways,
a few answers on my part...
hoping it'd make some sense to reason,
with the doubts that crossed your heart...

those were roses for our anniversary,
which i'd stayed so late to plan...
the friend who dropped me home that day,
has always been your fan...

your questions i did not answer,
there was nothing left to say...
those empty hollow accusations,
killed me slow each day...

you ask me to stay and talk now,
a solution you hope we can find...
but would there really be a cure,
for as strong a suspicious mind??


writer's note----the above piece is partly inspired from the famous 'Elvis Presley' song and ofcourse mainly from, my favorite muse----life!! :)

straw'worries' & cham'pain'!!

clink your glass, shake a leg,
then ask for another peg...
drown yourself into the mood,
dig deep into the wine & food...

tonight is just for all to see,
so near and yet so far from me...
the party ends and silence creeps,
we stay awake as the whole world sleeps...

reminiscing of the love long gone,
thinking of our future forlorn...
wine on breath, tear brimmed eyes,
counting time and hollow sighs...

tomorrow is another day,
another dance, another sway...
fooling the world is just a game,
we gotta play for the prize & fame...

together we two strangers are,
so near and still so far...
each living a separate life,
yet to the world, as man and wife!!

its quite ironical, really!!

I have often often wondered what it is that makes some people give in to the temptation of narcotics.
Ive heard/seen them say that the drug gives them a strange sorta high---apparently, the rush which is experienced, feels liberating and the exhilarating feeling makes them see the world as a happy place!! (or so they say)

The sad truth here, is that often, these addicts are too delirious to ignore the fact that the drug is slowly killing them.The momentary pleasure they experience from those needle pricks makes them forget all about the misery that might lie ahead.

and that gets me thinking...
what about those people who have poison thrust upon them---not by choice but by a cruel joke played by destiny or perhaps...genetics??
those who cannot ignore the fact that there is poison already flowing in their system, the type that cannot be cleansed even by a hundred pricks..only controlled?
those who are reminded of this destiny-chosen-self-inflicted-pain every single minute of their lives, by the guilt of some half explained void?

Contrary to the self chosen narcotic induced euphoria, this type of undefeatable anguish is something which sucks out every ounce of joy there is or could be..
Trivial matters seem out of reach.
Simple dreams seem unattainable.
and life seems impossible to understand...

Health is something that is often abused by those who are lucky enough to be able to afford taking it for granted.
and then there those...the cursed ones...the ones with poison in their veins..

the difference is that, with every prick of the needle, the former gives in to this so-called 'happiness' and the latter, gives up on it!!

that one day!!

june 5th 2009:
Ajay was coming to india after 8 years now.and yet it seemed like decades.
The United States of America had almost succeeded in detaching him from his very own country..the country which was home and yet dint feel like it.
The only reason for his visit to india was now reduced to his mom, who despite of much convincing refused to come to the US with him............................and her!

"oyeee phirrrrrrrannnng..." he could still hear her voice booming in his ears.he looked around, his eyes still searching for her hoping she'd emerge somewhere from the crowd, like she always did.
but today, there was no one at the airport..or rather there was no one who mattered.
signaling to the man in the white uniform with the placard bearing his name on it, he got into the coolcab.
"shivaji park" he mumbled to the cab driver as his mind raced back to how she used to always bargain with the cabbie everytime, how she would think that all they wanted was to loot them of their money after they got to know that he was 'foreign return' and how they would almost always end up having the better part of the deal with the cab guy agreeing to every word she said outta sheer frustration.
he smiled to himself--she had always been great at arguments. she always won the ones with him, leaving him speechless most of the times.
sometimes he won, but that was only because she was in the mood to let him.

the driver noticed him smiling and asked "kisi ki yaad aa rahi hain saabji?"
he had always been amazed by the casual frankness taxi drivers seemed to show..he was a man of a few words--someone who would come across to many as 'arrogant'..and yet!
he mumbled something which seemed like a "aage dekhkar chalao" and the driver who seemed to get a hint that he might just lose his tip if he tries and get friendly, shut up for the rest of the drive.

"any news from her, ma?" was the first question he asked when he reached home.
it had almost been customary now..that was the first question he had been asking his mom since the last 8 years now, every single time, be it on phone or email.
the answer was always the same---"nothing"

"beta, isnt it time that you settled down in life.even i have dreams of playing with my grandchildren and you know that anjali...." her voice trailed off as she realised that anuj was still not ready to give marriage a thought.
"mom, i know....i promise to speak to anjali when she calls.you know her dont u? she is just angry.please all im asking is for a little patience from your side."

anjali never broke promises.She had said she would return.she had told him not to give up on her.and he had promised her he would not.
--------------------------------------------------------------
may 17th 2001:
"i have to go anju"
"but you know i cant live without you..cant i come?? cant you think of some way, phirang..please"
"i wish you could.but its your visa issues that need to be sorted first.but dont worry.once that is done, we are just one plane ride away"
"couldn't we have gotten married? that way i could come with you now isn't it?"
"yes dear.but you know this was so short a notice.and marriage is a lifetime commitment.dont you want us to celebrate our commitment in style rather than make it a reason for some petty visa issue?"
she knew he was right.but she couldn't help wishing she could go with him right then.
"cmon anju.this will just take a few days and before you know it you will be there with me..cmon arnt you going to give your phirang a smile now?"
and she would smile.he always made her smile when he said that-more because she knew how much he hated her calling him that.
it was true that ajay always wanted to go settle in the US but calling him a 'phirang' was unacceptable..his loyalties still lied with his motherland, afterall.
In fact that was one major reason he wanted to get married when in india..although they had been engaged for 8 months now, he never was an ardent follower of traditions anyway.

"ok happy journey and see you soon, phirang" she managed a misty eyed grin as he got up from his seat and headed towards the security checking.
"that's the spirit, my crazy girl" he said hugging her tight as they bid each other goodbye.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
6th september 2001:
my dear phirang,
im reaching on the 12th 5.00pm US timing.i tried to contact you on your cell.but you dint answer.i guess it is because you are angry that i cant make it on time for our engagement anniversary.
but im reaching just three days late sweetheart.we can celebrate it when i reach there..i promise to make it up to you.
had it not been for the urgent meeting, i would reach there right on time.
neverthless i am still trying.but boss man seems in no mood to celebrate any engagement anniversaries nor let anyone celebrate them.

May his hair wig fall off at the next board meeting..hmpf!!

your and only yours,
anju

P.S: you have not been answering my calls since the last 2 days now.and i am very very sad because i cant hear my phirang's sexy voice :(

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
8th sept 2001

my dear phirang,

Is everything alright?? are you so angry with me that you wont even answer my call?
i tried around a zillion times..
First you did not answer and now your cell phone is switched off.Rohit told me you are busy in a 3 day long meeting.
please find the time & call me.
My tickets are confirmed..at last!!
I cant wait to be in your arms..miss you terribly :(

I visited mom today..she told me to take your favorite jam along.
sorry i ate half already..heehee

just two more days and im THERE!!

love you,
yours & only yours
anju

P.S---CALL MEEEEE :(
----------------------------------------------------------------
10th sept 2001

Mr murphy loves me..i missed out on your call.was talking to your mom.somehow the half eaten jam bottle was discovered and i was trying hard to come up with a good excuse.
You might feel happy to know that i am a laughing stock of your family now..officially!! :-|

please do check the voice messags i have left for you..leaving for the airport.
perhaps some strong power up there wants us to meet straight in Manhattan.the sweet pain of separation is overrated i tell you..anything but sweet.

i cant wait to smother you with kisses.
love you my dear phirang

XOXO
yours & only yours,
anju

----------------------------------------------------------------------
That had been her last email to him..
11th sept 2001..no news from anju.
instead all that reached was the news of the 9/11 attack--an airplane had crashed into the world trade center and toppled over the twin towers killing thousands of innocent people.
The plane had reduced into flames and news reports said that there were no survivors.

Ajay kept listening to the voice on his answering machine over and over again
"u haven't called me, phirang..itne busy ho ki apni anju ke liye time nahi?
I have emailed you a hundred times."
"am in the plane now.18 hours and reachinggggggg.i love you, phirang"

He kept replaying the messages over and over again, hoping there would be some clue that her flight had been delayed..perhaps she had reached the airport late & had missed that flight..perhaps she had felt bad for some passenger losing his ticket & had exchanged hers for a later flight..perhaps she had lost her boarding pass while in the restroom & had missed the flight.

perhaps....perhaps....afterall that did happen in movies didn't it?

he hoped against hope for any of the above possibilities to have happened..he kept trying to reach her cell phone & every time he heard the 'switched off' message, his heart sank a little more.

Just then his phone rang.

it was her mom.she was crying hysterically.
& then it was all a blur...

"aunty, i need to hang up..anju will be calling any minute now..and this time she wont spare me if i don't answer" he hurriedly clicked off the call..

----------------------------------------------------------------
since then, he had been waiting...

since then, he had never failed to answer any call, no matter how caught up he was...

since then, he had buried a deep part of his life in his work, memories with anju...
anju who still lived with him...anju who was just angry for he hadn't answered his calls...anju who would never leave his side...
anju who he would meet someday soon...
anju who never broke promises...

His mom left the room, brushing off a tear from her cheek.

ajay closed his eyes and played the recorded voice message once again.

"i love you, phirang" her soothing voice swept him into a distant land of dreams, just like always.

...and life continued...

"the story from my side"---a guest post from THE DI!!

My dearest pri,
I had really waited for you a long long time and when they finally announced your arrival,I just couldn't contain my excitement as I hurriedly dressed that morning to go and see you.
That would be our first introduction and I guess I was anxious in a way to see how it would turn out!

I Remember
how I hated being an only child for so long and how thrilled I was that it was about to change...
how I zoomed through all the motions of dressing up which I would otherwise go through so lifelessly, every morning...
how my hands fumbled with my shoelaces as I struggled to tie them having recently learnt to do so after much coaxing from mom who had told me time and again that now I had to be the responsible older sister...
how I desperately prayed to God for a sister,even bribed him by promising to say my prayers every night, much to the disappointment of my grandparents who were perhaps silently hoping for a grandson...
how I rushed that day in the light rain without bothering to even wear my raincoat...
how I raced to the cradle to see the most perfect,the most beautiful,the most cuddly bundle of joy with soft curls of her hair tumbling down her forehead...
how I was surprised to see you curiously staring at me with huge baby eyes, wide awake at six early morning...
how you surprised me even further by loosely wrapping your little fingers around mine when I extended my hand to you...
how at that moment I felt so happy to be around you that all I ever wanted to do was just stare back at you and never go to school again...

I Remember
how you used to get all distracted with the most uninteresting things when I would desperately try to focus your attention on some flashy multicoloured toy instead...
how your eyes opened wide with wonder and delight when I gave you your first taste of Cadburys Chocolate, when you were barely a month old...
how you would spit out the carrot juice which I took great pleasure in feeding you...
& how you never wanted me to feed you again after that :P

I Remember
how you innocently went in the docs room for your first injection shot not knowing what was in store...
how you bawled your heart out when you realised your trust had been betrayed...
how you soon forgot about it and was fascinated by your new shoes...
how you called me Di when you learnt your first few words...
how you listened intently when I put the music on.


I Remember
how you waited patiently for me to return from school and yell out my name as soon as you spotted me...
how you used to be by my side, observing quietly as I completed my homework...
how you asked for sheets of paper to scribble by my side as I studied for my exams...
how you didn't cry one bit on your first day at school coz I'd told you it was shameful to do so...
how you developed an intense distaste for milk after you saw me hating it...
how you used to be fascinated by balloons and asked for one every time the balloon man passed by...
how I used to cheat and win at 'snakes and ladders' until you learned to count correctly and then beat me at every game...
how we played Scrabble,ludo and just left it midway sometimes.Call it whimsical!!

I Remember
how you hated putting your feet in sand whenever we went to the seashore...
how we fought one day over who gets to sit in my favourite chair which had suddenly turned into your favourite too.
how we both lost interest in it minutes after the fight was over...
how you believed in tooth fairies and we had to secretly get you a gift for each fallen tooth...
how thrilled I was when you bagged the trophy after representing the school in elocution contests...
how we played antakshari and you knew the lyrics to every song...
how you sang 'Waqt Ne Kiya Kya Haseen Sitam....' for a singing competition at school and came home to proudly announce that you didn't win the prize.
how we used to watch hours of TV together...
how you used to be interested in watching all the serials I was interested in...
how you made fancy cards for me on my birthday and waited till midnight to wish me...

I Remember
how thrilled I was when your first poem was published by a leading publishing house in India when you were 12...
how you always topped in academics and scraped through PT :p
how I shared the jitters when your board results were declared...
how I danced with joy when you bagged a state rank...

I Remember
how you once tried to wear my white coat to see how it feels...
how I took it away from you then and remarked famously that you would have to earn it to wear it...
the day you got into Medical School...
the day you became a doctor and told me that you had earned your own white coat...

and today,
you still have an opinion on everything...
the sight of chocolates still brings out the child in you...
your eyes still crinkle up and disappear when you are really happy and thrilled...
you still take my side even when the whole world is on the other.
you still fight one moment and then come knocking sheepishly at my door...

and how you express yourself so beautifully with words that nothing I write could ever do justice to the wonderful soul you really are!!
I need not write more coz your blog and fan following are testimony enough.
All I can say is that I am one hell of a proud sister!!

and today,
as i continue this journey with you, I cherish all these memories and look forward to making more.

Its true that sisters are a little bit of childhood that can never be lost and I can never thank God enough for choosing to answer my prayers on that rainy day.

yours,
DI