Turn offs list #3---"there's something about facebook"

A friend who knows about my Facebook addiction a bit too well suggested that I write about the annoying aspects of the social network.

Now for those who do not know of this 'Turnoffs' series on 'Nostalgic Moments' , allow me to explain. Sometimes when we feel extremely important and haughty, we like to believe we are the Queen of May whom the world is trying extremely hard to please (for reasons unknown to anyone on the planet). It is times like these that we let our imagination run a little wilder and also complain and crib and nitpick about the things that put us off, all the while suffering from delusions of grandeur that there are millions of people out there reading us and treading on the path of self improvement while silently blessing us day in and out for our favor on mankind/woman kind alike.
Also when we have these bouts of excessive self confidence, we start addressing ourselves as 'We'. Sometimes we think it might be our borderline schizoid personality at work, but our personal shrink has disposed it off as just a case of attention deficit.
Of course we yelled out "Off with his head" to an invisible guard in an attempt to express our disappointment at his peasant like diagnosis, but he just proceeded to ignore and say that we are beginning to lack creativity and stealing lines from Lewis Caroll, thus bringing us falling from the throne, crown et al...sigh!

So after that little rant of madness we had up there, let us proceed with the point of the post (if there is any in the first place..or is there?)
Ahhh..yes, Facebook it is then!
*braces herself and counts one to ten*

Please don't get me wrong..though I'm quite often found to haunt Facebook much like the famous 'Betaal' was known to haunt the infamous Peepal tree, the truth is that nobody ever asked him what about the tree he did not approve..maybe a sofa here, a little clearing of extra leaves, a little chopping down some branches, a rosewood coffee table there..err! (you get the drift?)

So when I was asked what I would like to change about Facebook, I had just one thing to say (Yes, we are totally non-fussy like that)---"FACEBOOKERS"
Let me explain in point form what I find irritating about some Facebookers, so that you busy creatures who hardly frequent my blog nowadays and have accidently dropped by, sit up straight. Please know this is serious stuff and take notice.


1) Improper use of the 'like' option---Someone is burning with fever...someone has lost his car keys...someone just had a breakup and decided to update their status about it.
Facebook is their way of getting over it perhaps---GOOD!
You are not commenting nor asking them how it happened---BAD!
You are instead 'like'ing their status message---FUGLY!

2) Pics with self-distorted facial expressions---No! I'm not talking of bad photography skills or poor quality cams. I am talking about those 'I-am-so-kewl-I-dont-give-a-rats-arse-YO' wannabe's who deliberately put up a weird pic to show that they do not give a damn.
I often wonder if they have ever considered the possibility of people like me who believe that they actually put those up because they know they cant look better and want the world to think that they can....hmmmm.

So the next time you put up a pic with squinted eyeballs with a tongue sticking out on one side and a hairstyle which could give Einstein's fashion sense a run for his money, please continue---I YUM DIAGNOSING YOU!!! (with my shrink in tow)
On the flip side, portfolio pics have their own letdowns to offer. Such formal behavior scares us, you know. *goes and hides under the bed*

3) Food on Facebook---If it is something you have whipped up or a festive spread then that definitely is something you can be proud of.
But going to a restaurant and clicking pics of food and wine does not deserve any credit.In face in my opinion, going to a restaurant and clicking pics itself is a little strange. (Your family is going to thank me for this tip, trust me. I am saving them some major embarrassment.)
Of course updating them on Facebook (to top it, some do that with messy plates, half eaten stuff around...Sheesh!) is a total different blasphemy altogether.

The polite way (just in case it is actually so important to you) would be to do a photo session after a good meal-that way everyone would be in a great mood as well (depending on the company that you are of course) and you would be saved from the burning glares of the waiters who cant help wishing you make up your mind over the damn menu, gobble the chow and race back home, instead of delaying them over your petty Facebook pic issues.
Of course you'd never notice that---because their rage and pent up frustration would be cleverly masked behind the wide molar to molar smile as they would politely offer to click a pic (and get over with it).
After all, you can never tell if they spat in the fresh basil pesto you ordered...the smile would remain right till you leave the place.

That was me digressing--but you would never be offered that pearl of wisdom if it wasn't for that. *glows with pride*

As for food pics on Facebook, I think it's no big deal..so why act like you are someone coming straight from Somalia, new to those morsels of food all ecstatic over seeing it?
(pretty much like those tourists who click pics of cows on Indian roads)
but then again, it is sometimes fun to see someone fussing over things like that.but I wouldn't be caught dead being that someone.

4) Facebookshadi.com
This is what is done to those poor tortured souls who keep miles away from 'matrimonial aunties' and web based marriage services.Some distant relative or over enthusiastic kin is bound to direct people to the Facebook account of Ms/Mr Whosoever, and in will come emails requesting details and stuff.
I frankly fail to understand how much one can gather from a profile pic and a few lines written as bio data for a social network? I guess, society like God works in weird ways.
A still bigger turn off is the aunty-uncle clan who are on Facebook, mainly for the purpose of matchmaking.With no better thing to do, they befriend you---a harmless unsuspecting victim and then slowly but surely subject you to the torture of the apparently quintessential hypocritical 'saat-phere-saat-janam' concept they have in mind.

The best way to avoid these kinda friend requests is to put up the most ambiguous profile pics ever---better still would be pictures of a deserted beach or an eerie mountain place...or a cold winter (the more isolated the place, the better it is). You could alternate it with pictures of clumsy looking overweight toons like Winnie the Pooh, Garfield or a confused genius like Calvin---a sure shot to keep them away from your profile by implanting the seed of doubt that you are either too kiddish or too crazy for a compromised situation like an arranged marriage.

There you go---yours truly has a quick fix to it all! Tadaa!! (You are welcome)

5) Supposed-to-be-friends who play 'dead'
You keep thinking that the so called friend is extinct on social networks until you notice that he/she is commenting and scribbling on all other walls except yours.
Well, the same goes for unanswered wishes, greetings, text messages and emails---if I don't receive a reply, it's quite likely that you will never hear from me again.Not even the thought of you being run over by a bus or your Facebook account being magically hacked will surface to mind--no not even for a second.

I believe in giving explanations to people who matter and I need them as well...that is just who I  am...not even me can change that.

6) The 'Check out the rich me' attitude
Subtlety is an art, I say!
now maybe you can click a pic focusing on the bright red rose you are gifting your girlfriend while a hazy Lamborghini stays parked waiting for you two to get in---you get the drift?
your friends on Facebook are not visually impaired..they will notice the Lamborghini.but the trick is you are not shoving it in their face (which by the way my friend is very 'loser-ish' and a big turn off as opposed to the former tactful charm).
What happens in the former case is that you present an illusion---an illusion that the rose and the girl matters more than the Lamborghini. It's a different thing that you would rather get married to the latter if asked to choose, but at least your initial impression wouldn't be a let down and people (read 'me') won't think of you as an ass!

and with that, we rest our case...

7) Why doll up dolls?
One of my friends has this absolutely adorable 2 year old who she dolls up with loads of makeup.When i first saw her pics on Facebook, I was aghast. Each and every pic had a little bit of blush, lipstick, eye shadow, glitter and kohl.
Totally flummoxed, I called her up and asked her if she had used some Photoshop application on the pics, to which she laughed and said it was makeup she was using.
2 years old and makeup??? I screached into the phone..and she told me that she had entered her baby in a kiddo beauty pagent which had first started the obsession and then she had started finding it so extremely cute that she would doll her up every now and then.
she further told me not to take it so seriously and check out how many 'like's the pic had got.
The pic had a whooping number of 312 likes and 150 comments..most comments read out "Wowww" , "awesome" ," she's a total fashionista", "miss India" and the likes.not one had mentioned that she shouldn't have dolled up her baby like that.

I feebly clicked the 'like' option (out of fear that she did not take my lecturing the wrong way) and mentioned that she looked like an angel even without the makeup. It made me feel like a hypocrite 'like'ing something that was a total let down.

Kids are best when they are treated as kids.
We don't need kid-ults---let their innocence thrive!

8) Excessive pleasantries
You bitch behind my back---FUGLY!
You are still there on my Facebook friend list though we hardly comment, like or acknowledge each other---FUGLIER!
You *mwwwaah*, *kucchus*, *hugggggg* me and i almost die out of shock every single time---FUGLIEST!
Seriously, why this kolaveri di!!! :-|

To sum it up, there are days...there are people...and there are days with people on social networking sites.
Like every other things in life, Facebook too has its own set of 'good, bad and fugly' and like always we concentrate mostly on the blot on the canvas.(c'mon guys, this is the 'turn offs series'..what do you expect?)
You do know that everything I write should be taken in tequila style anyway---with a dash of salt, a slice of lime and all in one shot ;)

All in all, I sheepishly confess that despite all its flaws, I still am very much a fan of Facebook.



SEASONS GREETINGS EVERYONE!!! ;)